It's been a while since we've gotten the sort of truly unique perspective on the NBA and its players that can only come from a 310-year veteran capable of mixing penetrating insight with olde-tymey crustiness. In today's check-in, Miami Heat reserve forward Juwan Howard(notes) shares a handful of thoughts on the Oklahoma City Thunder's young superstar, Kevin Durant(notes).
1. Quit smiling. You and Russell Westbrook(notes), smilin' all the damn time, makin' me sick. Listen here: Showing one's teeth, like consistent consumption of roughage, is a sign of weakness. And once it's revealed, it can't be taken back. Young fella, I'm trying to tell you.
2. A "veiled" — what's this, now? — "veiled viral marketing campaign" predicated on the notion that your neighbor is stalking you? I only understood about three of those words, but I surely hated all of 'em. Calling things "viral" like Spanish influenza ain't a problem. Shameful, is what it is.
3. "Broingtons," huh? Mm-mmm. Don't look right, don't sound right, don't feel right, don't smell right. Like some kind of undisciplined social club for lip-syncers, and I've never had any use for the likes of frauds, personally.
4. Arms that long and you expect me to believe you're an according-to-Hoyle human? Nuh-uh. Not happening, daemon. Your brand of lies will find no purchase here, foul familiar; I'll banish thee back to the depths if it's the last thing I do.
5. Fourth year in the league and you still ain't learned to watch out? C'mon, son.
I tell you what, it's as true today as it was back when I was with the Rens: Youth will always be wasted on the young.