October 19, 2011
Listen, I know you're pretty into the whole upholding justice thing, Shaquille O'Neal(notes), but this latest foray into law enforcement just doesn't suit you. You're 7-foot-1 and about 395 pounds; you're not exactly inconspicuous. Plus, you are literally training your camera lens on me directly in front of my face. I don't know why you're trailing me, but you are doing a terrible job of it.
Let's face it: When it comes to being "The Big P.I.," you are actually much more of "The Big P.U." Run and Tout that, dude.
Best caption wins a pretty good Wilco song, all things considered. Good luck.
In our last adventure: It's a good thing Tracy McGrady(notes) can buy this whole place with his Black Card, because he just does not know when to fold. No matter what JaVale McGee(notes) says on video and audiotape, and then retracts.
Winner, IndeedProceed: Tracy McGrady: "And I'm like, 'NO! You listen to ME, John Kuester! I am Tracy McGrady! I scored THIRTEEN POINTS in THIRTY-FIVE seconds (in 2004)! I am FREQUENTLY said to be the MOST DEVASTATING 1-on-1 player IN THE WORLD (for the year 2003)! So, NOT ONLY will you START ME at the POINT GUARD POSITION (in the event of an injury to Rodney Stuckey(notes)), you WILL play me NO LESS than 23.3 minutes PER GAME (but no more than 23.5 minutes per game)!!!!!"
Woman: "Oh, wow! That IS impressive!"
Guy on right: "How ... how did you do the parentheses?"
Second runner-up, Brian Carmichael: McGrady: "[EXPLETIVE], girl! What's up?"
Woman: "Hey, Mr. Barkley. You've sure lost a lot of weight!"