Ball Don't Lie - NBA

The BDL NBA Power Rankings combine two parts Chivas Regal with one part flippant observation to create the most unbalanced ranking possible, and to offer the least accurate look at the state of the NBA on a weekly basis. If you disagree with your team's spot, feel free to go crazy in the comments or spit venom via email.

1. Los Angeles Lakers — One always had the hint that Arron Afflalo was Los Angeles' kryptonite. The Lakers are now on pace to only win 72 games. The dream is over, people. What can I say? [KD]

2. Boston CelticsKevin Garnett: "You can look at our record, but we still have a long way to go." Um, not true, Kevin. Saturday's OT battle in Milwaukee was the Celtics' 68th game in the last 12 days. They're almost done. [JE]

3. Phoenix Suns — Things are too good. Something's going to happen. Steve Nash is going to rob something, or someone. Grant Hill is going to default on a loan. Shaq's going to turn out to be a bloody Bolshevik. They're going to break our hearts. You know it. I like their defense (14th), though. [KD]

4. Cleveland Cavaliers — "LeBron James scored 38 points, leading a second-half rally that gave the Cleveland Cavaliers their seventh straight victory ..." That has to be the Associated Press's go-to line. I bet they use it to pick up chicks at the bar. Also, "LeBronco James":

5. Detroit Pistons — It is a repudiation of all that is sane and civil that Kwame Brown is starting over Amir Johnson. At least Amir's per-minute stats are better. We'll always have the per-minute stats, Amir. Always. [KD]

6. New Orleans Hornets —I've watched the Bees play three or four times this season, and I still have no idea what to make of them. I am flummoxed. One quarter they're dominant, the next quarter they get pushed around a little bit and start playing the refs. Ranking them sixth seems too high and low at the same time. [JE]

7. Atlanta Hawks — Hey, remember when the Hawks were on pace to win 82 games? Man, those were the days. Back when shows had great theme songs and my dad had a neckbeard. [JE]

8. Houston Rockets — When I wrote "rusty bunch of geezers," I meant "tempestuous batch of all-world talents and Aston-driving basketball mercenaries, several of which boast a Victor Mature-like sense of cool and whimsy, even at their most droll." Obviously, both Noel Coward and Carl Landry are standing directly in back of me. [KD]

9. Portland Trail Blazers — The worst defensive team (29th) that nobody knows about ... wait, I'm sorry, did someone order a 7-footer with skills? [KD]

10. Orlando Magic — The Magic Men were the only squad in the league last season with a better record on the road (27-14) than at home (25-16), and we could be looking at a repeat performance. Their moms must suck at cooking. Sloppy Joes and crap like that. [JE]

11. Utah Jazz — One of these days, mister, they're gunna get the whole gang back together and, you wait. Yeah, you wait. Also, minus the Afghan Whigs t-shirt, Kosta Koufos looks like me from October 1994-November 1994. Then I got the haircut right. The skin took a while. [KD]

12. Philadelphia 76ers — It is beyond comprehension. You even take pictures of your hotshot free agent pickups in the uniform. Just go back to the old unis, already. Stop making this harder than it has to be. What would Steve Mix say? [KD]

13. Toronto Raptors — Calderon's out, and you know Darrick Martin is circling the parking lot, like a vulture, trying to guess which car is Will Solomon's.

(Everybody knows Will Solomon can't afford a car!) [KD]

14. Denver Nuggets — 25th in offense, 6th in defense. Yes, I'm back on that thing again. [KD]

15. New York Knicks — Actual "MSG Mic Check" with Coach D'Antoni Sunday night: "C'mon defense, let's go. Let's go guys! Go! Here we go, here we go, guys. Here we go! Here we go, here we go. Way to go, Zach! Here we go white, here we go white. Here we go white." Awesome. [JE]

16. Chicago Bulls — My girlfriend had to tell me to shave the thin little mustache, and she told me she knew exactly why I was growing it. [KD]

17. Miami Heat — Win, loss, win, loss, win, loss, coach was in CHiPs.

18. Milwaukee Bucks — "While the Bucks' 5-6 record isn't going to turn many heads in L.A. or New York, it's tough to complain given what they're up against: an obscene eight back-to-backs in the first month, 12 of the first 19 on the road, and seven games and counting without Michael Redd." Frank Madden. Boom! [JE]

19. New Jersey Nets — A young man blocks out harmful memories of weak ankles and significant events of his life. As he grows up, he finds a way to remember these lost memories and a supernatural way to alter his life and win two games over the Hawks. "The Harris Effect," starring Devin Harris. [JE]

20. Indiana Pacers — The Pacers are actually outscoring their opponents by two a game, which puts them at 13th in the NBA, which means they're better than their record. And yet, six years after it hit the internet, nothing's better than this record. [KD]

21. San Antonio Spurs — Monty Williams has been annoying his family for weeks, stepping outside of restaurants to check his voicemail, and driving circuitous routes in order to stay in cell phone range. He thinks the call is coming. He thinks Pop is going to need him. He's really not as deluded as you think. [KD]

22. Golden State Warriors — If you have five dollars and undrafted free agent Anthony Morrow has five dollars, undrafted free agent Anthony Morrow has more money than you. [JE]

23. Sacramento Kings — The Kings are horrible. The team is a mismatched batch of parts that shouldn't fit, couldn't fit, and (eventually) won't fit. The team competed like mad all last season. The squad's offense, while iffy, is at least innovative and trying new things. The team is fun to watch. The team entertains the fans. The team works hard. The team is injured. The team has no singular focus off the court. The team has a singular focus on the court. The team should be worse than it is. And you want to fire the coach of this team? [KD]

24. Dallas MavericksSigh. [JE]

25. Charlotte Bobcats — At least three times this season, 68-year-old coach Larry Brown has told his team to stop playing like Laverne and Shirley. Funny line, except "Laverne and Shirley" was a situation comedy that ABC cancelled in 1983. Nine of Brown's players weren't born yet. [JE]

26. Memphis Grizzlies — Once again, it's time for Matt Moore's Griz Semi-Chub. Take it away, good sir ... "The best part about following the Grizzlies is that no matter the score, the fourth quarter will be exciting. They always seem to close the gap. The worst part about following the Grizzlies is that no matter the score, they're probably going to lose, often in profoundly frustrating ways." [JE]

27. Washington Wizards — You just get the feeling that if Chris Whitney were around, none of this crap would be going down. [KD]

28. Minnesota Timberwolves — See: Grizzlies, Memphis.

29. Los Angeles Clippers — This team doesn’t play to expectations, however small. This team cannot rebound, in spite of two guys who had double-figure boards last year. This team is full of mercurial, flighty guys who need coddling (players that were acquired with both coach and front office knowing that they were mercurial, flighty guys who need coddling), who instead receive stern lectures in the press as a result. This team has played at home, a lot. This team loses, a lot. And this team wants to keep its coach? [KD]

30. Oklahoma City Thunder — "PJ Carlesimo is definitely a great hire if you're looking for someone to lose games, alienate fans and insult your city. If not, though, you might want to go with a guy who players respect." Sound advice. Embrace the comments, people. [JE]

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