Ball Don't Lie - NBA

The BDL NBA Power Rankings combine two parts Crown Royal with one part flippant observation to create the most unbalanced list possible, and to offer the least accurate look at the state of the NBA on a weekly basis. If you disagree with your team's spot, feel free to go crazy in the comments or spit venom via email.

1. Los Angeles Lakers (6-0 83-0 5-0) — Don't ask how, but the Lakers are going to finish the season 83-0. They're also going to enter a tasty butternut squash pie in the Guilford Agricultural Fair and win three blue ribbons. Remind me of Def Poetry. [JE]

2. Boston Celtics (6-1) — In one week, the C's confirm the stupidity and uselessness of every power ranking ever put together by anyone, on any site, at any time. Win a championship, play like champions for two weeks, drop one spot. [KD]

3. New Orleans Hornets (4-2) — The Bees love VERTICAL PIZZA! [JE]

4. Detroit Pistons (4-2) — Fourth? Is this for 2011? Enjoy the fall, Piston fans! And the autumn! [KD]

5. Atlanta Hawks (5-0) — Yes, yes, this ranking disgusts me, too. (licks quill pen) "Hey, duckwad, you suck. You even watch the Hawks play? Oh man. Fifth!? They undefeated son! Try lickin' the mathsicles once in a while, JT. 5 wins is better than 4. Cool initials for a name by the way. What are you in 3rd grade? Go get a real name. HAWKS FLYIN' HIGH BABY!!!" [JE]

6. Utah Jazz (5-1) — You know that it's all over when D-Will comes back. The Jazz are toast, assuming you can buy that on Sundays in Utah. Admit it. And admit that Ronnie Brewer will never be as good as D.J. Strawberry’s father. [KD]

7. Houston Rockets (4-3) — Lakers fans are supposed to believe that the Rockets are NBA Finals material? Ha! /The Association spits chocolate milk in your face, punches you in the kidney, steals your bike, blogs. [JE]

8. Phoenix Suns (5-2) — The season is nearly two weeks old, which is a good thing. It means we only have five and a half months to get our hopes up about the Suns before recalling that there is no god and we all, eventually, die alone. [KD]

9. Cleveland Cavaliers (5-2) — For three straight games, LeBron and Co. have reached the charity stripe at least 28 times, hitting nearly 85 percent of 'em. They're going to win a lot of dreary games if they keep that up. Remind me of white eggshell paint. [JE]

10. Toronto Raptors (4-2) — I'm going to keep saying this until I'm Labatt Blue in the face: Chris Bosh is playing as good as basketball as any player in the league right now. Kobe, LeBron, CP3 ... Bosh is right there. Buy League Pass, America. Trust me. [JE]

11. Orlando Magic (4-2) — Don't buy League Pass for this lot, America. If you saw Dwight Howard play in 2004, then you've seen Dwight Howard play in 2008. [KD]

12. Portland Trail Blazers (3-3) — I've thought about it a little more, and you know what, I'm sticking with my slapdash comments: Roy's clock-assisted 30-foot bomb to beat the Rox saved the Blazers' high expectations season. That 1-4 hole would've been rough. Remind me a full-bodied, dark lager. [JE]

13. New York Knicks (4-2) — Imagine D'Antoni had actually played Stephon Marbury! Whew! The Knicks would be 6-0! [JE]

14. Chicago Bulls (3-4) — Tyrus Thomas won't get minutes any more, Aaron Gray is starting, it took an injury and Thabo Sefolosha's continued horribleness to get Ben Gordon in the starting lineup, and the Bulls are below .500. If Chicago traded Vinny Del Negro for Scott Skiles, would anyone notice? Of course they would, because then the Bulls would play suddenly start playing defense. [KD]

15. Miami Heat (3-3) — I'll be amazed if the Heat don't finish the season 42-40. [JE]

16. Philadelphia 76ers (2-4) — It's too early to write off the Sixers, especially since they play in the same division as NY and NJ, but there is definitely cause for concern — mainly, those 10,000 turnovers. Are they allergic to leather? Remind me of tart fruit. [JE]

17. Denver Nuggets (3-3) — The Nuggets will get better, the defense will improve, the offense will improve, George Karl can finally run an offense without having to run the ball 105 times a game ... and it won't matter. And it will last ... FOREVER! [KD]

18. Memphis Grizzlies (3-4) — And now, it's time for "Matt Moore's Griz Semi-Chub," brought to you by Matt Moore. Take it away, sir ... "What's got 28 thumbs, plays active defense and can hang with anybody? These guys. O.J. Mayo, Marc Gasol and Rudy Gay, collectively, are our answer to clean energy. Clean, constantly dribbling into baseline traps energy." [JE]

19, 20, 21. Milwaukee Bucks (3-4), Indiana Pacers (2-3) and New Jersey Nets (2-3) — You could shuffle these three around forever, which is why I want to merge 'em together to create an exciting, above-average NBA team as opposed to just filling the standings with three sub-.500 records. Remind me of a "Three Stooges" episode — the one where the guys are mistaken for football players from Boulder Dam College. [JE]

22. Dallas Mavericks (2-4) — Three causes for concern: 1) Coach Rick Carlisle is already throwing out that dreaded "urgency" word, 2) the Mavs lost Sunday to the previously win-less Clips, and 3) this. [JE]

23. Sacramento Kings (3-4) — Bad news: Brad Miller's right foot joins banged-up mates Kevin Martin (ankle), Francisco Garcia (calf) and Quincy Douby (ankle) on the ol' injury list. Good news: three straight home wins vs. the Grizzlies, Wolves and Dubs. Remind me of beaded curtains. [JE]

24. Golden State Warriors (2-5) — The Score's Holly MacKenzie told me that Stephen Jackson was drafted in 1997, but didn't play his first NBA game until the 2000-01 season. I had no idea. That is all. Remind me of a confused, tired freshman. [JE]

25. Charlotte Bobcats (2-4) — Gerald Wallace has accepted that his days in North Carolina are almost over, so it's a little surprising to see him keep trying this stuff. Jeesh. Get a helmet on that trade bait, Mike! [JE]

26. San Antonio Spurs (1-4) — Blame Tas Melas! My TBJ co-host not only jinxed the Spurs by betting on them four different times, but now his fragile femur bones have spread to Tony Parker's ankle. As Jonser Scott says, "The entire city of San Antonio should be heading to Tas' house with flames and pitchforks." Goodbye, playoffs? Goodbye, Tas? [JE]

27. Minnesota Timberwolves (1-5) — Wittman smash! "At some point, your pride has to kick in, your heart has to kick in. I'm tired of losing and if it doesn't change, we as management have to make it change, either by me not playing them or moving them." Translation: "Please, guys, I don't want to be fired. I need this." [JE]

28. Oklahoma City Thunder (1-5) — I saw an older Thunder fan at a recent game with an "Obama '08" hat on, and in my head I started willing the Thunder to put together just one swift, NBA-style, 6-2 run for my man. I waited all night. [KD]

29. Los Angeles Clippers (1-6) — At least your Q-rating is high. [KD]

30. Washington Wizards (0-5) —Bring back three Gilbert Arenas', you're still going to be horrible. [KD]

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