The Most Common Sex Dreams and What They Mean
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If you’ve ever woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, only to suddenly realize you had just been dreaming up a sexual encounter that wasn’t actually real, you’ve likely experienced a sex dream. Though sex dreams can simply happen because human beings have hormones, desires, and sexual needs that are sometimes played out in dreamland, they can also have a deeper meaning. Sometimes, a dream that’s sexual in nature can tell you things about yourself, your needs, and so much more than just a hint about someone you’re attracted to. We chatted with experts to discuss the meaning of sex dreams, why you have sex dreams, and what to do about them.
Why do I have sex dreams?
Though dreams may have multiple characters, more often than not everyone and everything in the dream is about you and represent themes or symbols, explains Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., sex and relationship expert, licensed psychotherapist, and author of Integrative Sex & Couples Therapy. She adds that if you’re feeling sexual dreams in your body, like with a physical orgasm, it can be related to your hormones, fantasies you have, or where you are in your sex life. But more often than not, they represent parts of yourself that need extra attention, care, or work, like the need to be in charge or in control.
“Dreams can represent, literally or via abstraction, different themes that are important to us in waking life, and can become a source of information, as our dreams are often thought of as an element of the memory consolidation process. Often, we attach meaning to our dreams, to make sense of non-sensical data we get glimpses of in our dreams,” says Kate Balestrieri, P.A.C.T., C.S.A.T.S., licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy.
Are sex dreams common?
About 70% of people have said they’ve experienced a sex dream, says Balestrieri . “It is important to remember that they may hold symbolic value, but the art and science of dream interpretation is not exact,” she says.
And though sex dreams are very common, they tend to be more common among men than women, explains Kelly Sullivan Walden, dream expert, certified hypnotherapist, and author of The Love, Sex, and Relationship Dream Dictionary. She adds that women tend to have more sensual dreams that lead up to the act, while men tend to have dreams more sexual in nature and “jump to the chase.”
Meaning of sex dreams
Sex with an ex
Walden says this is probably one of the most common sex dreams and can often lead to a lot of confusion. She explains that an ex can represent a place of pain, a part of you that has been left behind, or an attempt to find closure or resolve an issue.
But this can vary based on your experience with that person. “The ex we tend to dream about the most is our first love,” explains Lauri Loewenberg, a certified Dream Analyst. Not to worry though, sex with an ex doesn’t mean that you’re still secretly pining for them. Actually, these dreams are rarely about your ex at all. “They are more about what they represent: first love, excitement, passion, being desired, always wanting to be together, all those wonderful things that make you feel alive!” Loewenberg explains that if you pay attention to what’s going on in your life, specifically, your current romantic relationship, you’ll likely realize that you’re in a rut or dry spell. “This is the way our subconscious reminds us, ‘Hey, we’re still desirable. We still need these feelings. Let’s spice things up!’”
Additionally, if you have a dream about an ex that you weren’t necessarily in a positive relationship with, Nelson says they could represent freedom, and going back to them in our dreams could feel regressive and symbolize giving up that freedom. Or, if you had an ex that you had a very positive sex life with, it could simply be a fantasy about the sex you once had.
Sex with a stranger
Loewenberg calls these “the mystery lover dream,” and they don’t mean you’re yearning to have an affair or want more sexual excitement in your life. “An unknown man in a dream typically represents qualities we associate with that gender: assertiveness, being a go-getter, and standing up for oneself. An unknown woman will typically represent qualities we associate with the female gender: compassion, creativity, sensitivity, and the ability to nurture.”
Thus, to dream of having sex with an unknown person of either gender suggests you are merging their respective qualities into your behavior. “For example, sex with an unknown man is about taking on a more assertive role or attitude. Sex with an unknown woman may indicate you are becoming more compassionate.”
Additionally, Walden says a stranger in a dream may represent an aspect of self that hasn’t been met yet or a new part of yourself that is exciting, scary, or risky. She notes that if the dream leaves you feeling positive, it’s often a sign that it’s safe to explore this new side of yourself, but if it’s negative, you may want to stay closer to your comfort zone and not take so many risks.
Sex with a co-worker or boss
While these dreams can make it very uncomfortable at work the next day, remember, as “embarrassing” as these dreams can be, they are good because they show you—in their weird way—what you can do to improve yourself. “The boss dreams are most often about taking on that authoritative, decision-making role somewhere in your own life,” Loewenberg says.
Nelson adds that if you have a dream about your boss, you may not really want to have sex with your boss, but it could be related to the power dynamics and the desire to find more power in your own personal life.
The co-worker dream can be a little trickier to figure out. It all depends on your gut reaction to the dream. “If the co-worker you are dreaming about makes your heart beat a little faster and your palms a little sweatier, well then...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!” (In other words, yep, you definitely like them!) But if the thought of being intimate with that co-worker makes you cringe, “Then there is a simple formula to figure it out, and you can actually apply this formula to any sex dream.”
Loewenberg suggests you ask yourself which three words best describe your coworker’s personality. “Then ask yourself if any of those qualifiers would benefit you in your life right now if you incorporated them into your behavior. For example, perhaps the co-worker you are dreaming of is the one that cracks all the jokes in the office. In that case, he may simply represent humor and that is what your subconscious wants you to merge into your own behavior or attitude. Lighten up, and have a sense of humor about things!”
Cheating on your partner or your partner cheating on you
There are two ways to break down infidelity dreams, Loewenberg explains. One, if a partner has cheated on you in the past, and two, if a partner hasn’t. “If there is infidelity in your past, then these dreams reflect the distrust or guilt that is still there and are nudging you to continue to work on it, rather than be complacent about it. But if there is no infidelity in your past, and these dreams seem to be coming from left field, then you need to figure out what it is that [makes you] feel like a third wheel in the relationship. Usually, it is work that is taking up too much of your or your partner’s time. But it could be anything such as golf, fantasy football, or even a new baby that is causing you or your partner to feel ‘cheated’ on. These dreams are shining a spotlight on the issue, so you and your partner can figure out how to get more quality time together.”
Cheating also often means dishonoring or betrayal, Walden adds. She suggests considering if there’s a place in your life you may be doing these things to yourself or making promises you can’t keep to yourself because “everyone in the dream is a part of you.”
Sex with a celebrity
When it’s one of your favorite celebrities, then you don’t need a dream expert to tell you what’s plain as day: you want to have sex with them. But if it’s a seemingly random celebrity, like one you are not a fan of, or one you haven’t seen or thought of in years, rest assured there is good reason your subconscious chose him or her to cameo in your dream. “Celebrities in our dreams often represent some part of ourselves we want recognition and applause for. To figure out what that is, use the same formula: what comes to mind when you think of that celebrity? Is it a song? The meaning for you may be in the title or the lyrics. Is it a movie or TV show? Then you may identify with that character or with the storyline.”
Walden adds that similar to having sexual dreams about a stranger, consider what this celebrity represents. In dreams, celebrities represent qualities we often seek, but even more amplified than just any stranger.
Sex in public
Similar to having sex with a co-worker, the interpretation of this dream all depends on how you respond to it. If you find yourself enjoying this dream, “This can mean that you want to have people see you as an irresistibly attractive partner and want to flaunt your relationship,” explains Carole Lieberman, M.D.,, a psychiatrist and dream analysis expert. If you find yourself consumed with shame, “It could mean that you are afraid of being ‘exposed’ — such as if you are contemplating or actually having an affair.”
Walden adds that the outdoors could be about vulnerability and a symbol indicating you need to allow more of yourself to be more real.
Sex with multiple people
This one, according to Jillene Seiver, Ph.D., a human sexuality professor, says this is a very straightforward dream.“You may actually be thinking about and considering that in your everyday life, so the dream may not be symbolic. Or it’s possible that the dreamer wants to explore variety, or wants to express an aspect of himself that he doesn’t feel comfortable expressing in waking life.”
Additionally, Walden says this type of dream may be about you coming into contact with multiple aspects of yourself. “You are intimately embracing these radically different parts of yourself and finding your way into self-love at a grand scale,” she says.
What to do about sex dreams
Nelson suggests keeping a dream journal next to your bed and before doing anything in the morning, reach for the journal as soon as you get up. Make notes of any images, thoughts, or dream fragments you can. She recommends looking for repetition in your dreams. Consider who and what you are dreaming about consistently and pay close attention to the emotions these dreams bring to you and what they may be helping you work through. And if you truly feel like there is something wrong with you or you’re feeling deep shame about your dreams, Nelson suggests talking to a therapist.
At the end of the day, or rather, when you wake up in the morning, you are lucky to have sex dreams—and not just because they’re a fun way to start your day. With them, you can figure out what it is you are craving, and then while wide awake, you can go out and turn those dreams, or the deeper meaning of those dreams, into reality.
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