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The Loop Ten Special Edition: Super Bowl LVIII

Kevin Cusick’s countdown of the top newsmakers, groundbreakers and world-class fakers looks back on all the pomp and circumstance surrounding Sunday’s rather large football game.

20. (tie) Dre Greenlaw

Achilles ruptures are much more painful when you’re merely running onto the field.

20. (tie) Bud Light

Wastes another fortune, trying in vain to convince Americans to guzzle their skunky swill..

19. Kirk Cousins

Shows his Achilles is in dancing shape in lead-up to a football game he will never, ever play in.

18. Las Vegas

Not quite as tacky and sketchy as it usually looks.

17. Duke and Duchess of Sussex

Pass on big game, as they’re not considered royalty in Vegas, either.

16. Tom Brady

Thinks they could have squeezed him into a few more ads.

15. Post Malone

Shatters Super Bowl record for face tattoos set by Mike Tyson in 2022.

14. Aaron Rodgers

Immunized against Super Bowl Fever for the rest of his career.

13. The DunKings

We chuckled during the Ben Affleck ad … then immediately felt a deep, personal shame ….

12. Elon Musk

Cashes in on Super wager on Chiefs, cutting his recent losses to $66 billion.

11. Andy Reid

Wondering if Travis ever speaks to Taylor that way.

10. Usher

Thankfully, his halftime show spared us all of the crotch-grabbing we got from Rihanna last year.

9. Tucker Carlson

Honored to serve as official food taster at Vladimir Putin’s Super Bowl shindig.

8. Tony Romo

Someone got the “Stop Trying to Predict Every Freaking Play” memo.

7. Roger Goodell

Counting down the days until he can sell Super Bowl rights to the richest streamer.

6. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Regurgitated ad reminds voters there’s a presidential candidate even more hopelessly unqualified than Biden and Trump.

5. (tie) Streaking

The 1970s called, and they want their idiot fan ritual back.

5. (tie) Jake Moody

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times..

5. (tie) Jauan Jennings

When the game’s most effective passer is a receiver ….

4. Brock Purdy

Niners QB still somewhere between Irrelevant and Immortal.

3. Travis Kelce

Still oftentimes insufferable. And still oftentimes uncoverable.

2. Taylor Swift

A Super Bowl so compelling, you forgot for a second or two that she was even in the building..

1. Patrick Mahomes

How dare these mere mortals challenge him with their primitive skills..

Others receiving votes
Mayo Cat, Mecole Hardman, Kyle Shanahan, Isiah Pacheco, Frank Sinatra circa 1969, Harrison Butker, Christian McCaffrey, Brittany Mahomes, Marques Valdez-Scantling, Jason Kelce, Kickin’ Rob Gronkowski, Deebo Samuel, Puppy Bowl, George Kittle, couch potatoes, Ray-Ray McCloud, Nick Bosa, Reba McEntire, E-Trade babies, Dan Campbell, Lionel Messi, Christopher Walken, Jim Nantz, Hot Honey Pizza, Olivia Culpo, The Sphere, Tyreek Hill, Jackson Mahomes.

You can hear Kevin Cusick tomorrow morning and on Wednesdays on Bob Sansevere’s “BS Show” podcast on iTunes. You can follow Kevin on Twitter — @theloopnow. He can be reached at kcusick@pioneerpress.com.

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