Shane Battier held his South Beach Battioke event on Monday night, bringing together his Miami Heat teammates, franchise bigwigs like owner Micky Arison and team president Pat Riley, and several special guests to sing their hearts out before a live audience to benefit the Battier Take Charge Foundation, a charitable endeavor founded by the forward and aimed at "providing resources for the development and education of underserved youth and teens." The event, which has its roots in the "Clutch City Karaoke" night that Battier hosted in 2010 while a member of the Houston Rockets and has become a South Beach staple in his three years with Miami, drew a capacity crowd to the Fillmore Miami Beach to find out what, if anything, could top watching LeBron James and Dwyane Wade serenade a young lady to Shai's "If I Ever Fall in Love" at last year's shindig. We'll let you be the judge of that.
(NOTE: Some of the songs sung below contain subject matter or language that might not be suitable for all audiences. Reader/listener discretion is advised.)
Dig in (if you dare!) to Battier opening the evening joined by a blond-wigged Greg Oden and actor Ken Jeong — yes, "that guy from that thing" in the Miller Lite ads, which would seem like a slight conflict for Bud Light man Battier, but whatevs — on the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way":
Feast your ears on James, Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem — all rocking 2011-nickname-celebrating "Heatles" T-shirts — going to town on the still-troubling and still-impossibly-catchy Robin Thicke 2013 joint "Blurred Lines":
Thrill to the lyrical precision of Norris Cole (as Jay-Z) and a giant-dollar-sign-chain-wearing James Jones (in the role of Justin Timberlake) on "Holy Grail":
Find yourself deeply appreciating Chris Bosh's taste in ridiciulousness as he jams heavy on the Carlton dance to Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" before going full Shock G for "The Humpty Dance":
Wonder if you'll ever be able to listen to Jodeci again after hearing how the Big Three "went in" on "Come Talk to Me":
Question whether anybody second-guessed LeBron and Michael Beasley selecting Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up," or if the powers that be were all like, "Man, I haven't listened to '400 Degreez' in forever, Mannie Fresh was amazing," and just left it at that without concerning themselves with the not-suitable-for-work lyrical content offered by Juvie the Great:
Even if he never plays a second of meaningful postseason ball for Erik Spoelstra, this moment proves that Michael Beasley has raised the Heat's entertainment ceiling.
Other items of note:
• This, which is either a quote that's great or a joke that's great:
Pat Riley: "I never backed up anybody's ass."
— Ethan J. Skolnick (@EthanJSkolnick) January 28, 2014
• Recent trade acquisition Toney Douglas (who has yet to make his on-court Heat debut) singing a Montell Jordan song that isn't "This Is How We Do It" with some unexpected accompaniment from a couple of background dancers;
• Little-used 3-point marksman Jones being chosen as the champion of Battioke 2014, which I have to believe is due in large part to his unnerving level of commitment to performing as Sisqo:
Yep — the first word that comes to my mind upon taking a look at that photo is "champion." Congratulations, Mr. Jones. Now be a lamb and go console Mr. Bosh. He really thought that Digital Underground outfit was his ticket to a victory this year.
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