New Year's NBA resolutions

How many times have you said, “This year is going to be different! This is the year I stop drinking, cursing and smoking.” Then before you know it, you’re muttering, “Damn, I left my cigarettes in the bar.”

There are many NBA teams that will be handing out false promises in ’08. They will tell us how they plan to change and make things right. And then they only let us down again.

There are also some teams whose New Year’s resolution should be to just keep doing what they’re doing. Here’s my rundown for what teams should or shouldn’t resolve to do this year.


Boston Celtics: We promise not to run out of gas chasing 72 wins then lose in the first round of the playoffs like the Mavericks did last year.

Toronto Raptors: We resolve to buy rubber floors. We can’t afford to keep losing T.J. Ford.


New Jersey Nets: We vow to never refer to Jason Kidd, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson as the “Big Three” anymore.

Philadelphia 76ers: We promise to finally find an Answer to our problems.

New York Knicks: After further review, we have realized there are too many things wrong with our team to make one resolution. So, we will continue to strive to play better team ball, we promise to … yadayadayada.


Detroit Pistons: We will continue to fly under the radar.

Indiana Pacers: We promise to make the country know our starting five by season’s end.

Cleveland Cavaliers: We will make a trade and not try to fool our fans that we are a championship team just because we kept last season’s roster. We admit last season was a fluke.

Milwaukee Bucks: We promise to give our fans more bang for their Bucks.

Chicago Bulls: We will try our hardest to make Kobe Bryant hate the Lakers again.


Orlando Magic: We won’t treat Dwight Howard the way we did Shaquille O’Neal. We will care only about his basketball and will stay out of his personal life.

Atlanta Hawks: We promise to continue to speed the game up and take advantage of our athleticism.

Washington Wizards: We love the Princeton offense and will continue to run it even though Princeton never won an NCAA championship with it.

Charlotte Bobcats: Michael Jordan has promised that he will no longer come to practice to show our players that they still can’t guard him, even at age 44.

Miami Heat: We promise to stop asking Shaq to carry us when he should spend his later years like Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Hakeem Olajuwon did – surrounded by a great supporting cast.


Denver Nuggets: We vow to show that one ball is enough for us.

Portland Trail Blazers: We promise that next year when Greg Olden gets back you can call us a legitimate contender.

Utah Jazz: We will use the pick-and-roll only when necessary. Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, as good as they are, still aren’t John Stockton and Karl Malone.

Seattle SuperSonics: We resolve to become the next Portland.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Never, ever, will we trade our franchise player.


Phoenix Suns: We will learn a half-court offense before the playoffs.

Los Angeles Lakers: We promise to never be known as the franchise that traded both Shaq and Kobe.

Golden State Warriors: We will find a big man that can play our style. Hopefully.

Sacramento Kings: We will get a second trainer to help our players heal faster. One isn’t enough this season.

Los Angeles Clippers: Ditto.


San Antonio Spurs: We promise to never change the way we run our franchise.

Dallas Mavericks: We will go back to the lineup that won 67 games last season and take our chances again.

New Orleans Hornets: We will stay healthy.

Houston Rockets We will stop blaming our coaches and figure out a way to get the job done.

Memphis Grizzlies: We will officially rebuild.