Joe Blundo: Revealing the 'hidden' benefits of iPhone upgrades
My iPhone updated itself recently, adding even more hidden features. Or so I’m told by the media that worships Apple.
As I’ve said before, I hate hidden features.
If they’re so great, why are they hiding? I want obvious features, explicit features — features so intuitive, I’ll just feel their presence in my subconscious.
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I want to read a list of features like these:
• If you stand it on end and tilt it like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the iPhone will instantly convert English text to Italian. Also, you can buy tickets to a bullfight in Spain simply by waving a red cloth at the screen.
• Ordering bread has never been easier. For pita bread, put the iPhone in your pocket. For sourdough, feed the phone a half-cup of flour every day for a week. For flatbread, run it over with your car.
• To call your mother, simply crack your knuckles in front of the iPhone. She’ll immediately come on the screen to warn that you’re risking arthritis.
• Use the phone to quickly book a National Park vacation. To see Yellowstone, hold the phone over a steam vent. For a July tour of Death Valley, put the phone in a 200-degree oven. To see the Grand Canyon, drop the iPhone in a ditch.
• If you’re bored, drum your fingers on the screen. Siri will begin singing upbeat Broadway tunes.
• To hire a street performer, juggle several iPhones while standing on one foot. For a magician, hide the phone under one of three cups. To summon a clown, step on the screen with giant shoes.
• If you swipe right with the ring finger of your left hand, it means you are proposing marriage on a dating app. If you follow that by swiping right with your little finger, it means you can’t afford an engagement ring but hope a pinky-swear will signal adequate proof of your commitment.
• Breaking up via text? If what you’re writing sounds too sincere and straightforward, blow some smoke at the screen. iPhone will immediately insert cliches such as “It’s not you, it’s me.”
• To reach members of Congress, tap the screen with gold bullion. They’ll respond faster than rats to a sugar cube.
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• Create a map of new Ohio congressional districts by breaking the screen with a hammer and treating the cracks as boundary lines. It couldn’t be any worse than what we already have.
• To buy cryptocurrency or nonfunglble tokens, flush the iPhone down a toilet. (Or save a step and just flush cash.)
• Test yourself for COVID before a pandemic-era cruise by sneezing on the screen. iPhone will instantly return one of two test results: Positive now or positive any day now.
Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.
This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: iPhones: 'Hidden' features of upgrades shrouded in secrecy by Apple
