The best part about Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce’s epic championship parade rant — OK, there’s no way to single out just one part as the best — was his outfit as he was going crazy on the microphone.
Dressed like something out of “Aladdin,” (it was apparently an homage to the city’s Mummers Parade) Kelce was given his chance to speak a few words at Thursday’s wild Eagles championship parade. The players before him had been a little fired up. Chris Long and Lane Johnson barked like dogs. Others proclaimed the Eagles were just getting started. Then Kelce started talking and made the greatest speech at a championship parade ever. Hard to see anyone topping it, either. They’ll talk about this everywhere for a long time, and they’ll talk about in Philly forever.
At the Philadelphia Museum of Art, on the Rocky steps, Kelce started ranting. And he went on and on and on, mentioning practically everyone on the roster and how they were slighted. Screaming into the microphone the whole time, the most impressive part of Kelce’s rant is that his voice held up through the whole thing.
Kelce mentioned that general manager Howie Roseman was banished to a corner of the Eagles facilities when he got demoted for Chip Kelly, “where I didn’t see him for over a year.” He called out former NFL executive Michael Lombardi (“some clown named Mike Lombardi,” Kelce called him), who called Doug Pederson the least qualified coach he had ever seen.
Look, I deserve what Kelce said, I was wrong and he is right.
— Michael Lombardi (@mlombardiNFL) February 8, 2018
It was raw and real. Nothing was off limits. He even said, when listing every slight on every Eagles player, “Lane Johnson can’t lay off the juice!” a reference to Johnson’s PED suspensions. Then he followed that with “Brandon Brooks has anxiety!” in reference to his teammate’s battle with anxiety.
He listed dozens of players while the Eagles coaches and his teammates behind him looked at each other and laughed, perhaps a little uncomfortable but enjoying the show.
“Carson Wentz didn’t go to a Division I school!” Kelce shouted. “Nick Foles don’t got it! Corey Clement is too slow! LeGarrette Blount ain’t got it anymore! Jay Ajayi can’t stay healthy! Torrey Smith can’t catch! Nelson Agholor can’t catch! Zach Ertz can’t block! Brent Celek is too old!”
He kept going.
“It’s the whole team! It’s the WHOLE TEAM!” Kelce said, pounding on the podium like a madman.
It’s impossible to transcribe the whole thing, because Kelce finished it up with some four-letter words that caused the NFL Network to hit the five-second delay button and bleep out Kelce a few times, including dead audio for 34 straight seconds at the end of Kelce’s time at the mic.
Then Ertz was introduced to go next and had the only possible reaction.
“I don’t even know how to follow that,” Ertz said.
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