Mr. President, this is Yuge. Very big. Bigly, even. The fact that you would follow your very prestigious and much-anticipated Fake News Awards on Monday by attending the national title game just hours later shows what high regard you have for the sport of college football. Or at least for the flagship schools from two states you carried in the 2016 election.
If somehow this were a matchup of California and Boston College, I’m guessing you wouldn’t be in attendance. But the point is, you’ll be there in Mercedes-Benz Stadium for Alabama-Georgia, along with many fine people from both sides.
Oops, wait, maybe that isn’t the best phrasing there.
Anyway, Mr. President, figuring that like most Northeasterners you haven’t paid attention to college football, let’s get you up to speed on the 2017 season and this matchup. Your lack of expertise on the subject is understandable, of course. You’ve been busy swapping my-nuclear-button-is-bigger-than-your-nuclear-button insults with that chubby warmonger from North Korea. You’ve been assailing the very traitorous and very dishonest Steve Bannon. You’ve been planning the next four-man best-ball at Mar-A-Lago.
I get it. Stuff to do.
So here’s what you need to know:
There will be no Colin Kaepernick situation in this game. No kneeling. College football has mastered the art of craven political avoidance, so the teams tend to stay in the locker room during the national anthem. You won’t have to pull a Pence and walk out.
That said, there likely are a lot of players on both teams that are not fans of your work. But if you go down to field level before the game to do that very awkward, push-pull handshake thing of yours, I wouldn’t worry about any angry flare-ups. This is a sport that excels at suppressing athlete expression, to the general satisfaction of the rich boosters in the stands. And the coaches are mostly terrified of any political speech as well — no Kerrs or Popoviches popping off in college football, sir.
By the way, some of those rich boosters might not be too happy with your tax bill, which is going to end deductions for donations to buy season tickets. But most of them are probably making enough money from new income tax cuts to offset that expense. Please feel free to remind them of that if any start complaining to you in your luxury box.
As for the game itself: Two very successful teams from two very red states should stage a very well-played game. Certainly better than anything the failing NFL showcases over the weekend in their very low-rated playoff games that are being boycotted from coast to coast.
Alabama is led by Nick Saban, who received more than 400 write-in votes in the U.S. Senate election last month. While that might seem exceedingly strange, this is Alabama. I am happy to report that Saban’s write-in total did not by itself prevent your man Roy Moore from winning. (If Doug Jones shows up at the championship game, we will keep him far away from your box.)
Georgia is led by Kirby Smart, who is sort of the Steve Bannon of this situation, at least in terms of circumstance. Smart was Saban’s longtime assistant, and now he has gone to a Southeastern Conference rival and will be opposing his old boss Monday. So far, Saban has not tweeted anything nasty at Smart, but he isn’t quite the Twitter wizard you are, Mr. President.
The Bulldogs play their home games in Sanford Stadium, but more pertinently “between the hedges.” The field is lined by iconic hedges, which you might find pleasing. In effect, Georgia built a wall in 1929 to keep trespassers out of the playing field.
But the Crimson Tide might also appeal to you, Mr. President. Their mascot is an elephant, after all, and their marching band is called The Million Dollar Band. Since I believe you are a very, very rich man with many many millions (pending an actual look at your tax returns), that should resonate with you.
Some people nationally have complained about this being an all-SEC final, to the geographic exclusion of much of the nation. There are some especially bitter fans in Ohio, a state near and dear to your electoral heart. But I am confident that you’ll find no fault with the matchup, since all 11 states in the SEC footprint went for you over Crooked Hillary.
The two teams reached this championship game by defeating very good opponents from other very red states. Georgia beat Oklahoma in the Rose Bowl, while Alabama beat Clemson in the Sugar Bowl. Your approval rating among fans of playoff contestants is very, very high, sir. Very high.
I am confident that the winner of this game will eagerly accept an invitation to visit you in the White House at some point in 2018. (Unless of course we have a nuclear war with North Korea and have all been wiped out.) This would not be a situation like the one started by that brat Stephen Curry, where you had to un-invite a championship team that already decided it wasn’t coming.
Just in case the invitation to the winner slips your very busy mind, I will send you a reminder. You don’t want a repeat of the non-invitation for South Carolina’s women’s basketball team last year – a very innocent and very overblown oversight.
All things considered, it should be a very successful and very enjoyable night watching college football, Mr. President. There is no doubt that the ratings will be far better than any sporting event attended by Barack Obama, and the crowd will be almost as big as the record-setting mass of humanity at your inauguration. Have fun, soak in the spectacle, and covfefe.
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