All-Star weekend is a long, drawn-out event full of contests and games both enjoyable and not, entertaining and dull, important and inconsequential. It's the NBA's version of Spring Break, complete with drunkenness and mistakes and all sorts of fun times.
It can be hard to keep track of it all. Luckily, I have made predictions for every single event that are sure to come true. Read them after the jump, and make sure to check back throughout the weekend to read BDL's coverage and see if I was right.
7 p.m. ET: Sprint NBA All-Star Celebrity Game
- Appearing in his sixth-consecutive Celebrity Game, Common announces at halftime that he is retiring. Mario Lopez will cover the story as if it were a presidential debate.
- Drew and Jonathan Scott are named co-MVPs, marking the first time that any basketball fan learns that "Property Brothers" is a television show.
9 p.m. ET: BBVA Rising Stars Challenge
- John Wall, upset at being picked so late in TNT's draft, steals the ball from teammate Kyrie Irving at every opportunity.
- Ricky Rubio spends all 24 of his minutes trying to execute the perfect alley-oop with his feet. On the 47th try, he finally succeeds.
- DeMarcus Cousins collects two technical fouls in the second quarter for arguing with officials and is thrown out of the game.
- The game ends in a tie. Instead of playing overtime, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal will decide the winner by engaging in formal debate about the relative merits of the video games "Shut Up and Jam" and "Shaq Fu."
- Jeremy Lin wins MVP after finishing with four points and three assists.
7:30 p.m. ET All-Star Saturday Night
1. Haier Shooting Stars
- Announcer Reggie Miller takes the event seriously, even going so far as to analyze Steve Smith's form on half-court shots.
- A thrillingly close contest between Team New York and Team Texas is marred by scandal when Texas legend Kenny Smith shoves New York WNBA representative Cappie Pondexter, believing that her corner three shouldn't count because her foot was over the line.
2. Taco Bell Skills Challenge
- Taking the event name literally, Rajon Rondo begins his run by successfully assembling a Cheesy Gordita Crunch in 45 seconds.
- Special prediction by BDL's Dan Devine: John Wall, angered at his selection ranking in the Rising Stars Challenge, boycotts the Skills Challenge and hands the reins to teammate JaVale McGee. He wins by knocking over every obstacle and Napoleon Dynamiting his way through the challenge in record time.
3. Foot Locker Three-Point Contest
- I pick up my dinner at a local chicken establishment, because shooting contests are really boring.
4. Sprite Slam Dunk
- Chase Budinger pays homage to his volleyball background by wearing very tight spandex shorts, putting bows in his hair, and spiking the ball into the net.
- Jeremy Evans completes the coolest dunks of the competition, but TNT forgets to air them live because everyone thought he was a random guy who wandered out onto the court.
- Derrick Williams makes every dunk a basic alley-oop from Ricky Rubio in the hope that voters will think Rubio is the real contestant.
- Paul George wins after dunking on teammate Roy Hibbert and the complete cast of NBC's "Parks and Recreation."
5 p.m. ET: Sprint Pregame Concert
- Kayla Brianna steals the show when her father, Kenny Smith, performs a hip-hop verse about the time he went to Arby's with Otis Thorpe.
- A cappella sensation Pentatonix is booed off the stage for performing "a genre of music even old people don't like."
7 p.m. ET: All-Star Game presented by Kia Motors
- In deference to corporate sponsor Kia, Blake Griffin is replaced in the West starting lineup by the all-new Optima.
- Kevin Love has trouble adjusting to a more relaxed style of play and only grabs 10 rebounds in his 15 minutes of playing time.
- Kobe Bryant passes to Andrew Bynum in the post four times more than in any Lakers game this season, because the All-Star game is all about cutting loose and making crazy plays.
- Scott Brooks leaves the West bench in the middle of the second quarter so he can catch the Oscars telecast in its entirety.
- Derrick Rose plays the third quarter with a package of Starburst in his left hand.
- Tom Thibodeau plays Luol Deng for 40 minutes because he likes his defensive intensity.
- LeBron James scores 12 points in the fourth quarter, but receives no credit for it because real winners perform in the playoffs, not the All-Star game, you big loser crybaby.
- Dwight Howard wins the MVP and tells the Orlando fans that it's where he wants to play for the rest of his career, unless another opportunity comes along, in which case he'll totally think about that opportunity, and oh yeah, here's his list of preferred destinations, but that's totally not a trade demand.