Finding non-football comparisons for all 32 NFL starting quarterbacks

We’ve officially reached the dead period of the offseason. The draft has come and gone, the schedule has been released and now we’re all just waiting for training camp (in between offseason workouts).

That leads us to pieces like this, where I give every team’s quarterback a non-football comparison. Enjoy.

AFC North

Katie Stratman-USA TODAY Sports
Katie Stratman-USA TODAY Sports

Joe Burrow:  Ryan Gosling

Handsome. Multi-talented. Women want him. Men want to be him.

Lamar Jackson: Samuel L. Jackson

The versatile talent, the personality- heck, even the last name — Lamar is the on-field equivalent to the legendary actor.

Kenny Pickett: Morgan Wallen

Oh baby last night, we let the Yinzers talk.

Deshaun Watson: The New York Yankees

Not for the winning aspect (DEFINITELY not for the winning aspect). Rather, you are either a fan of the Browns and Watson or you absolutely despise him. 

AFC East

Josh Allen: Cyborg

He can launch a ball to Jupiter and run like a freight train. A do-it-all weapon if there ever was one. 

Mac Jones: Grayson Allen

Both have made a series of egregiously dirty plays, and neither are exactly what you would call “fan favorites.”

Aaron Rodgers: CM Punk

It seems like the older they get, both the New York Jets quarterback and the Second City Saint enjoy having a bit of a moan. The two even look similar at this point. Just don’t expect the straightedge Punk to go on any acid trips in the pitch darkness. 

Tua Tagovailoa: Celery

Not great by itself, but throw some peanut butter on it (Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle) and all of a sudden, everyone thinks celery is good. 

AFC South

Trevor Lawrence: Tom Holland

Fan-favorite. Young up-and-comer who you can just tell is going to be a huge star. 

Will Levis: Gaston

Sing it with me: Noooooo ooonnnnne’s strong as Levis, no one’s fast like Levis, no one slips down the draft board like Levis. 

Lovely stuff. Moving on. 

Anthony Richardson: Zeus

He is built like the Greek God of Thunder. If he comes close to reaching his potential, he’ll be worshipped like a God, as well.

C.J. Stroud: Timothee Chalamet

Chalamet is the prototypical young, handsome up-and-coming face of Hollywood. Stroud has been praised for his mechanics. The way he throws the ball is the way in which you would instruct a young quarterback to throw. 

AFC West

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports
Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

Jimmy Garoppolo: Bruce Wayne with no money

He’s got billion dollar good looks, but $7 weapons. It was easy to be Batman with all the gadgets he had in San Francisco

Justin Herbert: Black Bolt

Black Bolt is a superhero who doesn’t speak (the lure is somewhat of a long explanation — look it up). Herbert is one of the best at his position but rarely says a word. 

Patrick Mahomes: Thanos

He is inevitable.

Russell Wilson: Drake

Applauded for his talent when he was young, now he’s just incredibly cringey, annoying, and you can understand why people root against him. 

NFC North

Daniel Bartel-USA TODAY Sports
Daniel Bartel-USA TODAY Sports

Kirk Cousins (Vikings): Ned Flanders

He’s a dork, but he’s a muscular dork. 

Justin Fields (Bears): Mint-Chip Ice Cream

For some odd reason, the opinions on Justin Fields seem to be one extreme or the other. You either think he’s going to be God on a football field or the worst thing to ever put on cleats. There is no in between when discussing Fields, much like the frozen treat.

Jared Goff (Lions): Napoleon Dynamite 

There’s no rhyme or reason for this. I just think he looks like Napoleon Dynamite. 

Jordan Love (Packers): The Wizard of Oz

We simply don’t know what’s behind the curtain.

NFC East

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports
Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Sam Howell (Commanders): Woody in Toy Story 4

Woody was the chosen one — the favorite toy when Andy was a kid. Now, with Bonnie, he’s faded into the background. Howell was a projected top five draft pick going into the 2021 college football season, but his numbers didn’t exceed the previous two years of production and he dropped to the fifth round.

Jalen Hurts (Eagles): Jordan Peele

He can run, he can pass, he’s charming, he’s stylish — he can do it all — much like Peele can seemingly do it all both in front of and behind the camera.

Daniel Jones (Giants): A ham sandwich 

Like, it’s fine. If you’re hungry, you’ll eat it. It’ll get you through the day. But you’d much rather have a steak. 

Dak Prescott (Cowboys): The Shawshank Redemption 

It’s a great movie that did bad at the box office. Dak is a good quarterback that shrinks in the playoffs. 

NFC South

Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports
Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

Derek Carr (Saints): Jamie Lloyd in Halloween 6

Danielle Harris’ portrayal of Jamie Lloyd in Halloween 4 made a good movie great, and a bad movie bearable with Halloween 5. How was she rewarded? They cast a difficult actress to play her in Halloween 6 AND they killed her character off in the first act of the movie. Derek Carr made a franchise full of mediocrity look respectable on the field, and then they force-fed him Josh McDaniels and sent him packing the second they got the chance.

Baker Mayfield (Bucs): President of College Fraternity 

Peaked in college, grabs his junk a lot, always looking for a new place to work and blaming others. 

Desmond Ridder (Falcons): Trae Young

It’s actually insane how similar these two look — hairline and all. It’s even crazier that they play in the same city. 

Bryce Young (Panthers): Static Shock

Everyone loved the show in the early 2000s and thought it would be great and last for multiple years. Hopefully Young outlives his superhero counterpart.

NFC West

Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports
Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports

Kyler Murray (Cardinals): Yosemite Sam

It just felt Kyler Murray was angry all the time last season. Granted, if Kliff Kingsbury was my head coach, I wouldn’t be peachy either. Maybe Jonathan Gannon can change that? *Turns on Gannon press conference* Well, good luck, Kyler.

Brock Purdy (49ers): The Office Meme of Michael Scott being confused shaking hands with his boss

It’s long-winded, yes, but it’s such a perfect example. The boss representing Kyle Shanahan and the 49ers perfect roster taking care of everything, while a confused Michael (Purdy) gets credit for eight consecutive wins.

Geno Smith (Seahawks): Benjamin Button

Geno is aging in reverse with the way he is playing.

Matthew Stafford (Rams): Humpty Dumpty

Hopefully all McVay’s horses and all McVay’s men can put Stafford’s elbow back together again.

[lawrence-auto-related count=1 category=103]

Story originally appeared on Bears Wire