I’ll admit it: I wasn’t always a fan of the Bachelor extended universe. For years, I watched my roommates huddle together with wine and popcorn, ready to gorge on unlimited scenes of attractive people making out and rejecting each other in fancy villas, before heading to my room and shutting the door. I was no reality-TV snob (just ask the viewing history on my Netflix account), but there was something about manufactured romance that just wasn’t for me.
I’m not sure how, when, or why (though I suspect it has to do with finding a reliable local bar to watch at), but suddenly a switch was flipped, and now I can’t get enough of season 17 of The Bachelorette, which tracks 30-year-old bank marketing manager Katie Thurston as she sifts through a deep pile of men, now cut down to 22, to find her one true love. Unfortunately—or fortunately, for the purposes of exciting group viewing—not all Bachelorette contestants were created equal. Two episodes in, find an official power ranking of this season’s remaining contestants below:
22. Connor B., 29, math teacher.
I cannot emphasize this enough: This man dressed up as a cat to meet Katie, and she still made out with him. While he was dressed! As! A! Cat! I’m so horrified by this scene, a full week later, that I can barely speak of it.
21. Quartney, 26, nutrition entrepreneur.
Okay, I may have an irrational dislike of names starting with Q, but I am also not a fan of any vocation that involves “hacking” nutrition. Next!
20. Greg, 27, marketing sales representative.
My fellow-viewer friend and I agree that Greg has “Bumble face,” an affliction that is basically exactly what it sounds like; he seems like someone you’d see on a dating app.
19. Andrew M., 31, deputy district attorney.
No cops, no DAs, no gods, no masters.
18. Karl, 24, motivational speaker.
Karl does not motivate me, personally.
17. Michael, 36, business owner.
Looks far too much like Pete Buttigieg for my personal comfort level. (Come on, you see it, right?)
16. Mike, 31, gym owner.
Mike is admirably sculpted, but unfortunately, he resembles an adult version of a kid named Ben who once snapped my training bra at summer camp, and for this he must suffer.
15. Kyle, 26, technical recruiter.
Why is his neck so square?!?
14. Justin, 26, investment sales consultant.
Justin looks kind of hot-but-mean, and I’m not sure whether “hot” or “mean” wins out.
13. John, 27, bartender.
Serial-killer vibes, but still cute. Do I have a type?
12. Conor, 28, former baseball player.
Pretty eyes, but I don’t trust this facial-hair arrangement.
11. Christian, 26, real estate agent.
10. Aaron, 26, insurance agent.
Slightly less meh, but still meh.
9. Brendan, 26, firefighter trainee.
We love a firefighter! Even a trainee!
8. David, 27, technical production specialist.
I have nothing clever to say about David, he’s just hot.
7. Josh, 25, IT consultant.
A well-dressed cutie who can fix my cursed, broken laptop? Yes.
6. Thomas, 28, real estate broker.
I like big ears, and I cannot lie.
5. Tre, 26, software engineer.
Tre is apparently afraid of piranhas, which I find extremely relatable.
4. Hunter, 34, software strategist.
Why am I so attracted to this dad with a tattoo sleeve? (You can’t see it in this picture, but trust me, it’s there.)
3. Garrett, 29, software marketing manager.
We love a redhead who loves his dog!
2 . Andrew S., 26, pro football player.
Not only does this man look good in a turtleneck, but he’s also in Vienna half the year for work. Dream boyfriend status! (Is my lesbianism showing?)
1. James, age 30, software salesman.
Yes, he was literally in a box for most of the first episode, and yes, I’m a fan of the commitment.
Originally Appeared on Vogue