Dear Ashley: My Man Can’t Get It Up When I Want To Get Down

·3 min read

Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at

Dear Ashley,

I’ve been in a relationship with my husband of three years for a total of 12 years. When we first started dating, he was the man of my dreams, and our sex life was great, only we didn’t have sex. We did every thing else but have sex. He always made up an excuse as to why we didn’t, so of course I thought maybe he was gay. I never experienced intimacy until I met him, so the nonsex wasn’t too big of an issue. Then I find out he has erectile dysfunction due to diabetes. I figured as long as we were intimate I would be ok–WRONG. As the years have progressed, there’s no physical contact between us at all, to the point I asked him if he was still attracted to me. He said yes. I’ve told him what I needed and he doesn’t get it. I am at the point that if he leans to kiss me, I avoid it because I know that’s as far as it’s going to go and I don’t want to get hyped up for nothing. I’m in a sexless marriage and feel stuck


Dear Mrs Stuck,

Believe it or not your issue is relatively common. Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects about 30 million men in the United States. There are medications that can help your husband with this issue. Has he seen a medical provider? If not, that should be his next step. Outside of medication there are sex toys you can use together as a couple that can assist in this area as well. Have you ever considered using a strap on? Most people think of strap-ons as something you use to penetrate someone when you don’t have a penis, but incorporating a strap-on into your sex life will give you the sensation of penetration you are craving. The only issue you might have is getting your husband on board with using one. A lot of men feel that their penis should be the only thing that gives their partner sexual pleasure. But even with fully functioning penises, it’s rarely enough. If your husband is willing to push his ego aside then you guys can begin to experience a more pleasurable sex life.

I recommend using hollow strap ons. These types of strap ons slide over a semi-erect or soft penis like a sleeve and secure with adjustable and/or elastic straps. They are often wider in girth than your average dildo because they’re designed to accommodate the penis and keep its shape. They are made from firm material to provide sturdy and long-lasting penetration. Using a hollow strap is a great alternative to prescription medications, injections or more invasive procedures. If he’s able to get a semi erection then look into cock rings too. Cock rings assist with ED by slowing the blood flow from the erect penis, allowing it to stay hard longer. However, don’t use a cock ring for more than 30 minutes, because it could be harmful.

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip and Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley