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David Hughes: 'Super Bowl odds' (Taylor Swift edition) are back

Feb. 6—Last Friday, we ran an Associated Press story in the Tribune-Star sports section about how U.S. sportsbooks aren't allowed to take bets on anything Taylor Swift-related.

How un-American!

Since I believe we should honor our greatest U.S. treasure and since the Terre Haute Casino Resort will be opening its doors April 5 (and because I'm not a certified sportsbook and won't actually be accepting anyone's money), it's time I bring back my "Unique Super Bowl Odds" column from back in the day.

If you're not old enough to know the premise or you didn't live here when I wrote this column annually, use Google. That's what it's for.

Let's go:

—1-10 that Taylor Swift will have zero impact on the final score or which team wins.

—100-1 that Fox "News" will attempt to reveal absolute proof during the game that Taylor Swift is a CIA operative whose mission is to rig the Super Bowl in Kansas City's favor.

—1,000,000,000-1 that by popular demand, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock will join Usher on stage at halftime as surprise "musical entertainment."

—1-1 that Tay-Tay (as us "Swifties" call her) will appear in fewer Super Bowl commercials than Peyton Manning.

—100-1 that O.J. Simpson will be CBS' halftime guest. (I'll keep listing that one until it actually happens, he dies or I die).

—1,000,000-1 that the "Taylor Swift" Facebook friend request I received this week is the actual famous singer. (Plus, why would she say "Hey" in my inbox immediately after I accepted?)

—50-1 that Taylor Swift will be mentioned zero times during the Super Bowl by CBS broadcasters Jim Nantz and Tony Romo.

—5-1 that Jason Kelce, Travis' recently retired brother who's enjoying life to the fullest, will wear a shirt in his VIP suite.

—11,780-1 that the Baltimore Ravens and Detroit Lions will storm Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas before the Super Bowl points are counted, spit on the field and insist both conference championship games were "stollen." (If only Roger Goodell had the courage to do the right thing.)

—10-1 that Patrick Mahomes and "Jake from State Farm" will do a live commercial during the game.

—2-1 that the fact the 49ers haven't been mentioned in this column until now means Brock Purdy, Christian McCaffrey and Deebo Samuel will lead San Francisco to victory, triggering an emotional Taylor-Travis on-field breakup immediately afterward.

—20-1 that there will be at least one Taylor Swift-themed Super Bowl party taking place in Terre Haute.

—1989-1 that the Chiefs will win in overtime on a Travis Kelce touchdown reception, then he'll drop to one knee in the end zone, pull a diamond ring out of his pads and propose marriage to a Bud Light-chugging, M&Ms-eating Taylor Swift as she's helicoptered onto the field while Green Day and Bruce Springsteen play iconic tunes for a delirious, dancing-on-the-field crowd that includes Colin Kaepernick, Jimmy Kimmel, Charles Barkley, Robert De Niro, Jon Stewart, drag queens and electric cars ... and while millions of red hats spontaneously combust all across America. (I'm pretty sure that was my longest published sentence ever.) Odds remain the same if we add that Tay-Tay and Travis both receive the latest COVID-19 vaccination from Anthony Fauci himself during Kelce's proposal.

Don't like that last scenario? Shake it off.

Unless you're a legit 49ers fan, then I understand.

And remember, the Tribune-Star does not promote gambling (even with a new casino about to open).

Tribune-Star sports reporter David Hughes can be reached after 4 p.m. by phone at (812) 231-4224 (just text him on his cell instead); by email at david.hughes@tribstar.com; or by fax at (812) 231-4321.