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Chris Kaman's doing great, guys. He's about to be a free agent, and while the 30-year-old pivot isn't really anyone's idea of a game-changer, he'll be one of the best available centers on the market.
You'd clearly rather have Kevin Garnett for the next couple of years, even at age 36, but young and gifted restricted free agents like Roy Hibbert, Brook Lopez, JaVale McGee and Omer Asik will cost a pretty penny. And among unrestricted types, only Ian Mahinmi (five years younger, light-years more athletic and an emerging talent on both ends) and Spencer Hawes (a pretty similar player to Kaman during his first five seasons) would seem like better multiyear bets at deals above the midlevel exception.
Even coming off a relatively nondescript season with the New Orleans Hornets, Kaman has value as a legit 7-footer who can score, has nine years of NBA experience, and can walk, chew gum and foul at the same time. He'll find a job, and a lucrative one, at that. He's secure. And when you're secure, you can just chill out and eat some cereal in a cabin surrounded by more animal heads than seem reasonable, healthy or non-mania-inducing.
Once you've kicked things off with the most important meal of the day, though, you should really go out and have some fun with your offseason. Visit with friends. Take long walks. Hide in caves and then jump out pretending to be a legendary ape-like cryptid who purportedly inhabits the woods of the Pacific Northwest:
Basketball! (Note to self: Never enter a wooded area again. HE MIGHT BE THERE, WAITIN' TA SPOOK YA.)
But sometimes, hiding in a cave and then jumping out pretending to be a legendary ape-like cryptid who purportedly inhabits the woods of the Pacific Northwest just isn't enough offseason excitement. Sometimes, you just need to develop your craft and make things with your hands, then tease folks about it on Twitter:
Umm, you mean, like, the giant counterweight slingshot used in sieges and warfare in the Middle Ages?
Yep! (For purposes of scale, please remember that Chris Kaman stands 7 feet tall.)
Listen, I think we can all agree that every NBA team is looking for a center who can give them 13 points and seven boards a night, who can make some passes out of the post and who is interested in augmenting his on-ball defensive deficiencies by introducing medieval weaponry into his game. That just shows a dedication to improving, from where I'm sitting.
Eating meals in a hall where the walls are littered with evidence of conquest ... embodying a half-man, half-beast creature from beyond the borders of human society ... crafting archaic weapons used in giant battles of the past. Well, everything points in one direction — Chris Kaman just got suuuuuuper into "Game of Thrones." I bet he's really excited for the season finale Sunday; I know I can't wait.
Hat-tip to my dude Brian Floyd at SB Nation.