Zlatan Ibrahimovic welcomes Paris to Zlatan

You're here, Paris. This is Zlatan. I...am Zlatan. Your city has finally accomplished something culturally and artistically important. You can thank me later. Right after you thank me now.

I'm pleased you built this large tower behind me in my honor. It's only slightly smaller than me, but I still deem it worthy of being called the Ibraffil Tower. I just made that name up right now. This is what your money gets.

Before we go any further in this Zlatan-Zlatee relationship, I'm going to slap you with some words: I will admit that I only know two facts about Ligue 1. That I am already the best player in its now completely irrelevant history and that Pep Guardiola isn't here. Seriously, if he was here you would have to tell me. Because then I would research the name of a local hair loss treatment facility just so I could casually mention it to him and enjoy the thought of his profound embarrassment when he happens to drive by it one day and realizes what I meant. That's called a Zlam.

I assume you have all prepared for this moment by purchasing the I am Zlatan iPad app and then purchasing it again after reading it and feeling guilty that you didn't pay more the first time. This is your bible now. Obey its teachings and take comfort in its swipe navigation as I lead you to a land of glory and Zlecstasy. Between Carlo Ancelotti's limber eyebrows, Leonardo's mint chin, my fear-mongering nose and Thiago Silva's other stuff, we have created an unstopped new face of football that will offer no mercy and make Milan feel worse than Pep Guardiola after getting super Zlammed. Again, you have to tell me if he is here somewhere. I will go into a Taekwando fit if I see him anywhere. You can't handle that.

Finally, I have one last word for the media, who hunted me throughout this process like Zlatans hunting an antique end table. Actually, it's not a word. It's a kick to the head. You will never see it coming and if you do, it will only distract you from the more painful kick to the head coming from the opposite direction.

Welcome to Ligue (Z)1(atan).