Hello, Pep. Long time no Zlalk.
I noticed you did not attend the Ballon d'Or Gala. I'm assuming this was because you knew it would be a parade of sadness and shame for you. First, the kind old man whose job you stole won the Men's Coach of the Year award. Then I was named to the team of the year and won the 2013 Puskas Award for a goal I scored in 2012 (and it will probably win again in 2014). Then Cristiano Ronaldo won the Ballon d'Or instead of Lionel Messi. And you won nothing. Not even the Person Who Most Underestimated Zlatan award, which I just made up right now. That goes to an eight-year-old in Finland who I destroyed on Xbox. Zlowned!
Since I knew all of this would happen, I anticipated your decision to not show your poorly bearded face. I then decided to send you a personal message through the television before your guilt submersion began. When Jurgen Klopp came to say hello to me as a fellow enemy of Pep while I spoke to a reporter before the ceremony, I asked him when he will bring me to Dortmund and I offered to come for free. I made this sound like a joke so the press would not get too excited, but I was not joking, Pep. Since you keep brainwashing their best players, I will go to Dortmund for free just so I can destroy you once and for all like I did to that squeaky Finnish child.
This doesn't mean I will leave PSG though, Pep. I am the top scorer in Ligue 1 and my club is in first place. I can keep being the best there and be the best in the Bundesliga all at the same time. This is the next step for Zlatan. I have won titles in four different countries, but never two at once. I will give your Bayern Munich their first Zloss of the season. And then I will give them several more by wearing disguises like funny hats and fat suits and playing for other Bundesliga teams. Zlamouflage!
You've had an easy ride in Germany, Pep. As you did Spain before I arrived to challenge you from inside your own dressing room. But now karma is finally catching up to you. Klopp and I are going to take you down to Zlatantown. Get used to not winning things. And being compared to small Finnish children.
Goatee hammer throw!
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