Zlatan Ibrahimovic's expert analysis of the Champions League quarterfinal draw

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Luis Figo has dyed his hair and picked the balls out of the pot. Now there are Champions League quarterfinals for me to analyze. I am Zlatan. I am the wind. I am also the Champions League quarterfinal Zlexpert. And a maker of wooden toys that are far too dangerous for most children.

This is the first time all eight group-stage winners have reached this point. It is also the first time I have wanted this to happen. I'm not saying I am an all-powerful controller of time and space, but yes, that is exactly what I am. Now let's Zlanalyze these matches.

Barcelona v Atletico Madrid

Zlatan Zlays: This is not an easy draw for Barca. Which means several Atletico players will be sent off to help Barca advance. Diego Costa has probably been shown a red card already for being taller than Xavi. 

Prediction: Barcelona will win and Atletico will play the final minutes of the second leg with only their third-choice goalkeeper and a ham sandwich wrapped in an old Fernando Torres shirt.

Real Madrid v Borussia Dortmund

Zlatan Zlays: These two teams met in the group stage and semifinals last season, with Dortmund coming out on top. This time, Dortmund must play the first leg without Robert Lewandowski and several other key players who are injured. Surely Jurgen Klopp now wishes I was not joking when I offered to join Dortmund for free even more than he did before. But the only thing I do for free is offer Zlatraditional style decorating tips.

Prediction: Cristiano Ronaldo will score goals, Pepe will kick someone in the armpit and Carlo Ancelotti will employ all the Zlactics he learned from me at PSG to advance.

PSG v Chelsea

Zlatan Zlays: Normally, I do not care who falls into my path of destruction, but this I will not enjoy. As a fellow leader in the Coalition Against Pep, Jose Mourinho has become a great friend of mine. I do not want to crush him, but there is no other way. The only good that will come of this is that after I win, Jose will have more time to work on our coalition's internal newsletter: The Pep Guardiola Smells Like Fertilizer and Herpes Gazette.

Prediction: Sadness.

Manchester United v Bayern Munich

Zlatan Zlays: Of course, Pep gets to face the zombie shell of Manchester United. Bayern do not need anymore advantages than they already have. This is good, though. It ensures they will remain in the competition so that I will have the opportunity to do the impossible and eliminate Pep and Bayern myself. Enjoy beating up on lost man-puppy David Moyes because I am lurking around the Zlorner, Pep. And the only redecorating tips I have are for your face.

Prediction: A leisurely stroll towards possible Zlannihilation.

Hairbun punch!

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