I am Zlatan. I wrote a book about myself. It is called "I am Zlatan." I command you to buy it.
In the book, I write about many things. Like the time I told Pep Guardiola he has no balls, the time I told Pep Guardiola he is a coward and the time I told Pep Guardiola he smells like cheese. This is why I am Zlatan is the greatest book written by Zlatan about Zlatan and for other Zlatans. Again, you are required to buy it.
In addition to the many chapters about the various things Pep Guardiola smells like, I also reveal how many of my teammates I have kicked for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Here's a hint: the answer is all of them. Buy the book.
I could tell you more about I am Zlatan -- which has already won 12 Zlatans for best Zlatan-based achievement this week -- but I refuse to spoil the twist ending that will shock and amaze you. However, I can tell you that it involves Pep Guardiola and a kick to the head. I kick Pep Guardiola in the head.
So in conclusion, I am Zlatan. You will buy my book. Pep Guardiola smells like cheese and dead birds. And Zlatan is the best. Good night. Unless you're Pep Guardiola, then I hope you have the worst night ever.