Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s last-minute holiday gift guide

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Happy Zlatanmas, everyone. I am Zlatan.

I have already given my gift to all of you in the form of the greatest goal ever scored and the continuation of my violent immortality. You're welcome. Now I will give you another gift by telling you procrastinators what presents to get for the people on your list. I am like an elf, except taller than you and powerful enough to inflict bears with body dysmorphia. Let's begin.

For anyone with an iPad: The "I am Zlatan" biography app. This is an interactive version of my autobiography, which has been shortlisted for The August Prize. Can you name another book on that shortlist, let alone one that can be purchased as an iPad Zlapp that includes videos of me scoring goals and begins with a cast of characters page that lists Fabio Capello as a "Demon Manager"? No. This is the greatest gift of all and perfect for anyone you would like to enlighten and/or smite with the force of my boot through their imagination. Prepare to make people weep and convulse from joy and Zlatan induced seizures. Consider that the warning I am legally obligated to provide.

For anyone without an iPad: "Io, Ibra" -- the Italian version of "I am Zlatan" in paperback. It doesn't matter if the person you give it to doesn't understand Italian. Especially if the recipient is an older person, comprehending the amount of pure truth this book contains would only make them regret all the other books they've read throughout their Zlatanless lives.

Stocking stuffer: Are you on a tight budget because you're not getting paid more money than actually exists to play for PSG? Zlatan knows what it's like to not have money so I have the perfect Zlidea for you too. Just print out the following image and give it to everyone you see. It has restorative powers and if it is stared at long enough, the viewer will have a religious experience in which my hair bun increases fertility and prevents gum disease.

For Pep Guardiola: The holiday season is a time for goodwill to all. Even Pep. It is a time when we put aside our differences and celebrate the joys of Zlife as we unite in peace and serenity. So for Pep I will recommend a very special gift. A gift he already received once before. A gift he did not appreciate. A gift he gave away. And a gift that forced him to leave football after realizing what a catastrophic mistake he had made. That gift? A koi fish. That is actually a red dragon. That is actually me. I will burst out of the wrapping paper and make the presents he just gave his loved ones look insignificant by comparison. It will be the best day of his life, but also the worst.

Head stomp!

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