Congratulations, Pep. I am Zlatan.
Yes, I heard the news that you will be working for Bayern Munich next season. I also heard the news that this makes me Zlaugh (a type of laughing only Zlatans can do), because I am the one who just filled the air with that sound. Which is a cross between Mozart and a dragon asking questions. Did you get the celebratory fruit basket filled with copies of my book, I am Zlatan," and a Robyn concert T-shirt that I sent you, Pep? Don't bother answering that since I didn't bother sending it.
To be honest I am disappointed in you, Pep. I thought you were a competitor, but you are you going to a club that is already stable and in first-place with a full stadium, money to spend and two Champions League final appearances in the last three years. You could have gone to so many different clubs, each offering their own unique puzzles, but you picked the most perfect one. This is no more of a challenge than it is for me to kick a ghost in face. For the record, I do that all the time.
I also can't help but notice that you chose a club in a league that has yet to be Zlatanated. This is obviously not by accident. You had to go to a place where I have not yet set the bar of excellence in football and hair growth too high for you. Well what if I announced that next season, I will join the Bundesliga as well? Would that ruin everything for you? I can sense your trembling deep in my nostrils, Pep. You thought Germany would be a deZlatanized zone like your hideout in New York, but you were wrong. Like a helicopter that is also a submarine and a unicycle I can go anywhere at any time. I may not crash your Bavarian oasis just yet, but if I do, you will feel ashamed when you see how much more powerful I look in lederhosen.
So, again, congratulations on your new, non-challenging coward job, Pep. And enjoy your remaining time off. Because whenever we finally meet again on the pitch, I will be the one who gets the last Zlaugh.
Oh, and Jose Mourinho says, "Good luck winning in half as many countries as I have, Pepperoni."