The four mediocre goals Cristiano Ronaldo scored over the two legs of our playoff were somehow counted as more than the two Zlatastic goals I scored in just four minutes. This proves that math is wrong, football is flawed, and it means that Portugal will go to the World Cup and Sweden will not. This is a disZlaster — more for all of humanity than it is for me. So I've decided to cancel the World Cup.

Football fans cannot endure another boring World Cup without Zlatan. Think about it. I appeared in the 2002 and 2006 World Cups — reaching the round of 16 a.k.a. the round of Champions each time — and everyone knows they are the greatest sporting events of all time because of it. 2010? Any World Cup before 2002? No one ever talks about them. And by "no one" I mean I never talk about them. Except right now to say how bad they were for being deZlatanized. The 2014 World Cup is canceled.

Some people are probably saying, "But Zlatan, you do not have the power to cancel the World Cup. You are the most powerful creature on Earth, but you are not the president of FIFA...yet." And they are correct. But this is what I will do: I will kick everyone all around the world who watches the tournament until they call it off out of fear and Zladmiration. The people in the stadiums in Brazil — I will kick them. The people watching in pubs and in the streets — I will kick them. The people watching at home, eating candies and drinking drinks — I will fly through their windows and I will kick them. And every time I do it, they will say, "Thank you, Zlatan. The bruise you left on my forehead is far more entertaining than these terrible matches that do not involve you."

So that's it. No World Cup. Now you are free to spend that month watching my greatest goals on YouTube, which is better than hugging a bathtub full of puppies wearing bowties. You're welcome.

As for the Ballon d'Or, this proves nothing. This time next year, I will still have the same number of World Cup winners' medals as Ronaldo and Messi and they will both still be eight to 10 feet shorter than me. Advantage Zlatan. Now give me the award. And throw in the Nobel Peace Prize for saving Brazil from FIFA's tyranny using only the most violent Taekwondo moves on several billion people of all shapes and sizes.

Ronaldo recently complained that FIFA is out to get him because Sepp Blatter said he liked Lionel Messi more. Well after Portugal were wrongly declared the winners, Blatter commended Ronaldo's performance, proving that his earlier comments were a ruse to hide the true conspiracy against me. I know Pep Guardiola was behind this somehow and he will pay with his eyebrows.

Zlustice will be mine.

Backheel chin smash!