An unnamed Tahiti player failed a doping test at the Confederations Cup

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

As the smallest nation to ever compete in a FIFA senior tournament, Tahiti were the undisputed darlings of the Confederations Cup. A team almost entirely comprised of amateurs, they played for the fun of it and as a result, were held up as the embodiment of all that is good and pure in this gruff, bitter and money obsessed modern era. But now, just to remind you that everything is awful and innocence is a myth, FIFA has announced that an unnamed Tahitian player has been provisionally suspended for failing a doping test conducted after Tahiti's final group-stage match against Uruguay (which they lost 8-0).


The chairman of the FIFA Disciplinary Committee has provisionally suspended a Tahitian international footballer for an initial period of 30 days and opened disciplinary proceedings, following an adverse analytical finding in relation to a doping control conducted after the FIFA Confederations Cup Brazil 2013 match played in Recife on 23 June 2013.

Following the provision of the “A” sample result, the player waived his right to request the analysis of the “B” sample.

FIFA can't publicly report the name of the player in question, what the substance was or what the punishment will be until after a hearing has been held.

When you're caught doping after losing all three matches by a combined score of 24-1, you would hope that the disciplinary committee would have mercy on you and let it slide. I mean, if Tahiti lost 10-0 to Spain even with the aid of banned substances, just think how much worse it could have been without them. If anything, FIFA probably should've pumped Tahiti full of more of them.

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