Tim Sherwood here. Tottenham's winningest Premier League manager ever through 18 matches and Manager of the Month nominee for April. That's right. They don't hand those nominations out to just anyone. But enough about my impressive achievements for right now.
There's been a lot of nonsense chatter about Tottenham looking for a new manager this summer even though they currently have a golden goose under their arm. To be clear, I'm referring to myself. So I've decided to do an honest review the top candidates for my job because my only concern is what's best for Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. If there's some kind of award for that level of selflessness, I would gladly accept it. Anyway, on to the reviews...
Frank de Boer — This is the name the press can't get enough of at the moment. He's won the Dutch league four times in as many years with Ajax, which is fine, I suppose. I could've won it five times in four years if I wanted to lower myself to a league of that level. He's also two years younger than me, so he obviously has less life experience. Has he ever spent a week searching for the best price on a desktop computer in Portsmouth? Probably not. I also heard from a very reliable source, as all my sources are — no one would ever lie to me (I don't constantly tell people to call me the Sheriff of Sherwood for nothing) — that he hates ducks. And that's just a media firestorm waiting to happen.
Louis van Gaal — The smart money these days is on Van Gaal going to Man United, but he was originally linked to Spurs. It seems he's realized that following David Moyes at Man United is far easier a task than following the Sheriff of Sherwood at Spurs, though. And fair play to him because he's right. Yes, he's won major trophies at some of the biggest clubs all over Europe and yes he has an explosive temper and shows his players his testicles to intimidate them, but I've got a temper too. And anyone who has seen me throw articles of clothing during a match knows not to mess with it. My own unmatchable ferocity aside, I heard Van Gaal refuses to speak to anyone with earlobes he deems to be inferior.
David Moyes — This one was inevitable, wasn't it? If anyone honestly thinks the Erik Lamela of football managers can do a better job with this club than I have then they obviously haven't been paying attention this season. If you ask me, David Moyes should follow Andre Villas-Boas' lead and join some half-frozen club in Russia so everyone can stop making jokes about him and his "I've just seen a ghost while sitting on the toilet" faces and focus solely on what an excellent job I've been doing. As I said to Gareth Bale in a text that he never responded to, "the world just can't handle men of our caliber...also, my offer to form an unstoppable laser tag team still stands."
Tim Sherwood — Some might say that my opinion of myself is biased, so I should leave the assessment of my accomplishments to the club, but that's simply not the case. My two best traits are my abilities for honest self-assessment and making perfect omelets every time. I'm like self-assessing, omelet making machine. So you can take my word for it when I say no one is better for this job than me. The Sheriff of Sherwood. If I were Daniel Levy, I would give me a 12-year contract and name a stand in the new stadium after me right now. And the players agree. They haven't said so using actual words, but they roll their eyes at me every day at training in a way that clearly says, "Tim Sherwood, you're like a wise old grandfather, except young and even smarter than any grandfather ever." That says it all really.
So there you have it. As it was before, the choice should now be clear. Choosing anyone else but me to be Spurs manager would surely go down as the greatest error in human history. And that includes selling my future laser tag teammate Gareth Bale and then buying seven players who will never be Gareth Bale or my laser tag teammates.
In conclusion, I urge the club not to make monumental errors two summers in a row. Because I really am fantastic. Honestly.
- - - - - - -