Manchester City recovered from their recent stumbles to beat Man United 1-0 at the Etihad in a match that had all the madness we have come to expect from a Manchester Derby. But even though they got the result they wanted, most City fans still felt the mind-warping panic of trying to hold on to the slim lead afforded by Sergio Aguero's 63rd-minute goal against an unrelenting 10-man United (as evidenced by the chap shown above).
While you wonder if that man's fingers will ever be dislodged from the roof of his mouth, here are several strange facts from the latest Manchester Derby for you to consider...
Chris Smalling really wanted to watch the second half on TV
At a certain point during the first half, Man United defender Chris Smalling decided that thinking is overrated. So in the 31st minute, he blocked Joe Hart to earn a silly yellow.
And just eight minutes later he completed his set with a miserable challenge on James Milner to get sent off and reduce Man United to 10 men before halftime. The joke was on the rest of the players, though. Because they couldn't watch the game, play on their phones and eat chips all at the same time while still on the pitch. So, really, who are the stupid ones in this scenario?
Referee Michael Oliver completely forgot that penalties are a real thing
City should have taken the lead much sooner and much more comfortably than they did, but referee Michael Oliver ignored several penalty shouts from them as if he thought the concept of a free shot on goal to make up for getting fouled in the box was some kind of ruse the home side devised to try and trick him.
"Hahaha wait until I tell the City players they were right the next time I see them," Oliver said upon reading the laws of the game in its entirety for the first time after the match.
Joe Hart was lucky not to get sent off himself
In his fervent desire to ensure that Smalling did not go unpunished for his aforementioned block, Joe Hart charged at the ref and attempted to meld their foreheads together as if he took the term "meeting of the minds" far too literally.
Perhaps disoriented by Hart's pungent breath, Oliver did not punish the City goalkeeper for this and instead kept his focus on showing his collection of cards to Chris Smalling and not awarding penalties.
Marouane Fellaini is actually pretty good again, but remains unable to control his own saliva
The novelty afro wig vendors around Old Trafford could soon be able to feed their families again as Marouane Fellaini, the man who tragically lost the ability to play football after following David Moyes to Man United last season, appears to be regaining his skills on the pitch. Over the last few weeks, the Belgian international has convinced Louis van Gaal to increase his playing time at the expense of his less mocked teammates.
Though Fellaini did flub a header that could have given United a point at the Etihad, he's still progressing from completely useless to being an important part of this squad. He does, however, need to work on his saliva control as he drooled on a pained Kun Aguero after leaning in to offer a few choice words to the City scorer when one of his many penalty shouts was denied.
Louis van Gaal is still worse than David Moyes, but seems so much better
Man United have taken just 13 points from their first 10 Premier League matches under Louis van Gaal, making this their worst start to a season since the 1986/87 campaign. At this point last year, Man United had 17 points under David Moyes. As poor as Van Gaal's record is so far, he's still managed to generate far more positivity and hope than Moyes ever did.
Even in this loss to City, Man United looked dangerous until the end despite their disadvantage after Smalling was sent off. In other words, Louis van Gaal's team is a caterpillar that's showing signs of transforming into a butterfly, whereas Moyes' team was a caterpillar that turned into an even uglier caterpillar.
The Manchester Derby is now lopsided in a way that never would have seemed possible 20 years ago
There was a time not all that long ago when Man City weren't made of billions and the Manchester derby was nothing more than a local interest event with the victorious side always wearing red. But now all of that has changed and City have now won six of the last seven derbies.
— NBC Sports Soccer (@NBCSportsSoccer) November 2, 2014
SIr Alex Ferguson called City "noisy neighbors," but now it might be more appropriate to call Man United the quiet ones.
You beat your rivals for a fourth time in a row and then a rainbow appears over your stadium? Come on.
— Manchester City FC (@MCFC) November 2, 2014
Meanwhile, there was probably a flock of birds (or several former members of Oasis) defecating on Old Trafford at this exact moment.
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