The new scale by which all England performances should be graded

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle
(Photo by Ian Walton/Getty Images)


(Photo by Ian Walton/Getty Images)

Even with lowered expectations going into the World Cup, England still managed to disappoint, busting earnest attempts to back the young but all too familiar team like a pinata filled with empty candy wrappers being dangled over a toilet. And so it came as no surprise that in the team's first match since returning from Brazil — an overpriced friendly against Norway — they played in a half-filled Wembley Stadium, giving those who did show up little reason to hope for improvement despite winning 1-0.

As uninspired as the wet cardboard in a default 4-4-2 formation performance was, manager Roy Hodgson still claimed England were "quite good" after the match, while also blaming the other skunks at their skunk conventions for not attracting more fans. But Hodgson actually makes an excellent point with his assessment. By now it should be clear that England simply aren't among the world's best, so instead of perpetuating the cycle of hubris and despair, it would be far easier on everyone to simply change the scale by which they are graded.

Extrapolating from Hodgson's rating of the Norway friendly, we've devised a more reasonable scale...

Making it out of the group stage at a major tournament — Great

Holding a superior team (like Costa Rica) to a scoreless draw and getting home before the postcards you sent your family from Brazil — Very good

Beating Norway 1-0 in a friendly with two whole shots on target and captain Wayne Rooney scoring the only goal from the penalty spot — Quite good

Finishing a match with more than eight players on the pitch and everyone's socks accounted for — Good

A draw against San Marino and losing no more than three socks and a shin pad — Passable

The pass from Rooney shown above — A spirited effort

The pass from James Milner shown above — Still better than a fatal allergic reaction

Losing a friendly — Not the end of the world

Failing to qualify for a major tournament — The end of the world is an interesting change of pace when you really think about it

Winning the World Cup in the post-Jules Rimet Trophy era — A mythical impossibility perpetrated by other countries just to make England feel bad

And with that scale, England fans will be able to appreciate pictures like the one below for the beautiful sky while totally ignoring the poorly attended dry heave competition beneath it.

(Photo by Jamie McDonald/Getty Images)
(Photo by Jamie McDonald/Getty Images)

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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