After getting sacked by Manchester United earlier this week, David Moyes released a dignified farewell statement. The following is the first draft of that statement.
To have been appointed manager of Manchester United, once one of the biggest football clubs in the world, was and remains something of which I will always be incredibly proud. But I have already started an intensive hypnosis therapy to ensure I forget everything that happened after that appointment.
Taking charge after such a long period of continuous stability and success at the club was inevitably going to be a significant challenge. Think about it — can you remember any other instance where a beloved, iron-fisted dictator voluntarily retired and then hung around, watching his replacement from the crowd with the former lead singer of Simply Red at his side? No. But it was a challenge that I relished and one I never had a second thought about taking on. Mostly because Sir Alex wouldn't let me.
The scale of the manager's job at United is immense. For one thing, they make you memorize all of the club's corporate sponsors right down to the official telecommunications partner for Azerbaijan (it's Bakcell, by the way). But I have never stepped away from hard work and the same applies to my coaching staff. I thank them for their dedication and loyalty throughout the last season. Note how I didn't mention the players there. That was on purpose.
My staff and I were fully focused and committed to the process of the fundamental rebuilding that is required for the senior squad because it is roughly equivalent to a 1992 Ford Fiesta that has no wheels, a cut brakeline and has been consistently used as a toilet by a large homeless community with severe intestinal issues. This had to be achieved whilst delivering positive results in the Barclays Premier League and the Champions League. However, during this period of transition, performances and results have not been what Manchester United and its fans are used to or expect, and I both understand and share their frustration. After all, I wasn't on the pitch conceding goals and getting injured. Perhaps we would have had better fortunes if I was out. Yes, that's a dig at you, Rio. I'm a 50-year-old ex-centreback and you just play like one.
In my short time at the club, I have learnt what special places Old Trafford and Carrington are. I have wept in every corner of those hallowed grounds, so I know them well. I would like to thank the United staff for making me feel so welcome and part of the United family from the first day once. Though I reminded you all many times that my name is David, I quickly got used to being called "Not Sir Alex." And of course thank you to those fans who have supported me throughout the season. I wish you and the club all the best for the future. As for those turkey nuggets who hired that "Moyes Out" plane banner to fly over Old Trafford, I hope you all get stuck on fairground rides and get left there forever.
I have always believed that a manager never stops learning during his career and I know I will take invaluable experience from my time as United's manager. For example, I now know not to put all of my eggs in a basket made of Marouane Fellaini's hair, not to suggest your fiercest rivals are favorites at your own ground and basically not to do anything else I've done over the last 10 months — right down to ignoring my lactose intolerance and drinking milk for breakfast every morning. I remain proud to have led the team to the quarterfinals of this year's Champions League and to have won more trophies in one match than Arsene Wenger has in the last nine years. I remain grateful to Sir Alex Ferguson for overestimating my ability and giving me the chance to live in lifeless black hole that is his shadow. I now respectfully ask that he stop standing over my bed at night and staring at me through the darkness while I try to sleep. My dogs find it very upsetting.
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