Macarooney and Maradona: The DT guide to the worst 2014 World Cup songs
As we all know, the World Cup is about beautiful football, bringing people around the globe together and FIFA's rampant commercialization. But there is also another important facet of the big tournament: terrible football-themed songs that would never normally get any attention.
We've compiled a list of the best of the worst in the build-up to Brazil. Get ready for a rollercoaster of aural fun...
'Macarooney' by D&OD
What happens when you combine a 1996 dance craze, some incredibly creepy paper masks and lyrics about an unfit 28-year-old who has never scored in the World Cup? That's right! The Macarooney!
To be fair, this song is being released on behalf of a very worthwhile charity, but if played on a loop, it could be used to draw confessions from prisoners at Guantanamo.
'Red, White & Blue' by Fusion
Much like spray cheese in a can, inefficient cars and unnecessary handgun ownership, country music is apologetically American. This tongue-in-cheek clip meets all of the genre's stringent requirements (southern accents; mentioning a truck; a video with a girl in cut-off jeans) and includes some wonderfully poetic lyrics:
"The Germans thought that 2002 was just revenge for World War II"
'Gritándole al Viento' by Apolo featuring Dalma and Diego Maradona
If there's one thing that's always said about Maradona, it's that he simply doesn't sing enough. Thankfully, that criticism had been answered with Argentina's unofficial anthem 'Gritándole al Viento', which means 'Shouting into the Wind'.
The track also features Saint Diego's daughter and wishy-washy nonsensical lyrics like "It springs free from the earth to play without boundaries." It sure does.
'We Are One (Ole Ola)' by Pitbull and Jennifer Lopez
Pitbull is the undisputed greatest musical talent on the planet, which is why he was handed the responsibility of recording the official 2014 World Cup song with Jennifer Lopez. Unfortunately, 'We Are One (Ole Ola)' has been poorly received because it is "generic and clichéd." Also, it has absolutely nothing to do with football or the tournament. It's just about flags.
'Greatest Day' by Gary Barlow and friends
This re-working of a Take That song, released for Sport Relief, features England heroes Michael Owen, Peter Shilton, Glenn Hoddle and Sir Geoff Hurst on vocals. That dulcet opening refrain comes courtesy of Gary Lineker. He probably shouldn't be allowed back into a recording studio.
David Baddiel, the comedian partly responsible for the excellent 'Three Lions', has called it "rubbish." Which seems about right.
'2 Brazil' by The Vengaboys
The Vengaboys have been under the radar since the late 90s, but the Dutch Europop ensemble are back with a sugary World Cup anthem that has one key selling point: a video where some ladies have forgotten to wear tops. The censored version of the clip has been viewed on YouTube 24,000 times, while the uncensored edit has nearly 3 million views. Because the internet.
- - - - - - -
Ryan Bailey is a writer for Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow him on Twitter! Follow @RyanJayBailey