Super serious reports about Jose Mourinho from a school lunch room

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Oh my God, did you hear about Jose Mourinho? He totally cried like a baby when that loser David Moyes got the Manchester United job instead of him. Seriously. I heard it from this guy Diego who doesn't like him so it has to be true. Mourinho already said that Alex Ferguson told him that he was retiring and he told Alex Ferguson that he only wanted to go back to Chelsea months before Moyes was hired, but that was a really long time ago so nobody cares about that anymore. Everyone who's not stupid knows that whatever is said more recently has to be more true.

Then there's this whole thing with Andre Villas-Boas, who used to be Mourinho's, like, best friend — and I mean best. Friend. They went everywhere together and I heard they even had matches friendship bracelets that they made for each other and everything. But then Andre Villas-Boas went through this phase where he tried to copy everything Mourinho did and it was kind of weird. Anyway, Villas-Boas told the press that they're not friends anymore. Like, at all. He goes, "Our break-up point was because I was full of ambition to give him something extra and I wanted further involvement from the job I was doing at that time." And then he was like, "Whatever. I don't lose any sleep over it," even though everyone knows that he so does.

So the next day the press asked Mourinho about it because it's really important and it's not like people often grow apart over time and go their separate ways since that's just how life can be. And Mourinho says, "I don't describe [the relationship] because I'm not a kid to discuss relationships with the media. It's a personal thing. I don't care what he says. I'm here, not to comment on what he says or what to know what he says. I'm not interested." Can you believe that? I mean, who does he think he is? That's just so rude. For real. If you don't tell the press about your personal relationship that may or may not be a big deal, then, like, who do you tell?

But now Team Mourinho is going to play against Team Villas-Boas and everyone knows they're not friends anymore and it's going to be so awkward and literally no one can believe it. I mean, it is ridic. Totally ridic...ulous.

I also heard this thing about Jose Mourinho where he randomly went up to Juan Mata and was like, "You look really fat in that training kit and I don't like you." Juan Mata didn't cry because he's really proud and, like, strong mentally, you know? But you could totally tell that he almost did. It was so sad, you guys. I just can't believe all this stuff is going on right now. It's literally unbelievable.

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