Sir Alex Ferguson’s Christmas wishlist

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

The holiday season is upon us and millions of boys and girls around the world are writing out their wishlists in the hopes that Santa Claus brings them everything they want. And footballers are no different. The following is a compilation of Sir Alex Ferguson's most desired items.

-For Man City to keep Carlos Tevez.
-For Barcelona to be found out as mutants from another planet and their last two Champions League titles to be overturned.
-A new midfielder.
-No, several new midfielders.
-Pippa Middleton (especially if she can play midfield).
-Assorted jams.
-For Kenny Dalglish to keep doing what he's doing.
-For the BBC to burn down a day after all arson investigators retire.
-A puppy.
-A hairdryer with a cheese grater attachment.
-The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) on Blu Ray.
-A watch with a picture of me laughing on it.
-Grandkids who don't play video games on their computer phones while you're trying to tell them what an ungrateful twit Roy Keane is.
-For most referees to get terminal head lice.
-Wine in a can.

P.S. If you give me coal again, I'll shove it so far up your chimney that you'll have blood diamonds coming out your ears until July, fat man.

Previously: Zlatan Ibrahimovic's wishlist

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