Several ways to get Jozy Altidore scoring goals again

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle
HARRISON, NJ - JUNE 01: Onur Recep Kivrak #12 of Turkey stops a shot by Jozy Altidore #17 of United States during an international friendly match at Red Bull Arena on June 1, 2014 in Harrison, New Jersey. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

Turkey v United States

HARRISON, NJ - JUNE 01: Onur Recep Kivrak #12 of Turkey stops a shot by Jozy Altidore #17 of United States during an international friendly match at Red Bull Arena on June 1, 2014 in Harrison, New Jersey. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

One of the primary concerns for the U.S. headed into the World Cup aside from their extremely difficult group, their backline, the exclusion of Landon Donovan, and whether they should pack riot gear is Jozy Altidore's goal drought. He hasn't scored for club or country since last December and was even dropped to Sunderland's U-21 side for a brief period in April. The U.S. will need Altidore to quickly change that in a big way if they're going to score the goals necessary to challenge Ghana, Germany and Portugal. Here are some things they should try to snap him out of it.

Force him to speak in the third person

After going so long without a goal and having so many people scrutinize him for it, confidence seems to be the main problem for Altidore right now. No striker has more confidence than Zlatan Ibrahimovic, though, and he exudes this quality every time he talks about himself in the third person. Forcing Altidore to say things like, "Jozy will kick you in the head if you don't pass him the ball" and "Jozy will feast on the souls of all who doubt him and then watch Netflix all night in someone else's hotel room!" will surely get him feeling like an immortal superbeing similar to Zlatan.

Show him Fernando Torres videos

Fernando Torres won the Golden Boot at Euro 2012 AND the 2013 Confederations Cup and in Spain's friendly against Bolivia last week, he did this...

Altidore has flubbed a lot of chances over the last five or six months, but he hasn't done that. I'm not quite sure what that means, but maybe he'll find it inspiring?

RONALDO BLOOD

Cristiano Ronaldo doesn't have any tattoos, supposedly because he donates blood frequently and doesn't want his ability to do that compromised. The U.S. medical staff needs to find this stock of Ronaldo blood and infuse it into Altidore. Even if it doesn't instantly send a superior goalscoring prowess coursing through his veins, maybe it will at least have a placebo effect and make him think it does. Or he'll just think it's really weird. Anyway...Ronaldo blood.

The Donovan Effect

Before Landon Donovan was cut from the U.S. squad, he was in the midst of a scoring drought of his own. Since he's been cut, he's scored three goals in two matches for the LA Galaxy. So what Jurgen Klinsmann needs to do is somehow convince Altidore that he's been cut from the squad, but, for reasons that cannot be explained, will still play for the team at the World Cup. This will make him want to show Klinsmann that he's made a terrible mistake while letting the U.S. team benefit from that mission. The logic here is flawless.

Start biting people

This is definitely awful and should only be an absolute last resort, but Luis Suarez has bitten two people now and he scored 30 more goals than Altidore did in the Premier league last season. So there's that.

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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