Still in his first season with Swiss club FC Sion, World Cup winning midfielder and nightmare warrior Gennaro Gattuso has been named player-manager after the sacking of Victor Munoz. A 4-0 loss to Thun was too much for impatient owner Christian Constantin (seen here singing a song about Gattuso and embarrassing everyone) to take with the club currently in fourth place, so he decided that drastic action was necessary.
"The club's board have decided to make the players face their responsibilities," said Sion's statement on the matter. "To do this, from now until further notice, they will take charge of their own affairs. The club entrusts the responsibility for the group to its captain Gennaro Gattuso."
The following are new rules and regulations that will be implemented by Gattuso now that he has assumed power.
-All training sessions will be held within a ring of fire on an abandoned offshore oil platform. Players will be responsible for their own transportation to and from training.
-Penalty for being late to training: Continuous, silent eye-contact with Rino Gattuso for 15 minutes.
-Penalty for being late to travel: Standing in a dark, windowless room with Rino Gattuso while he breathes heavily for 30 minutes.
-Penalty for being late to matches, meetings or team meals: Disappearing without a trace and your family being told that you never existed.
-For each goal conceded, a live mountain lion will be released into the dressing room.
-For each goal scored, a machete will be made available.
-All players and backroom staff are to express themselves exclusively through guttural noises and aggressive pacing.
-All injuries will be treated with duct tape.
-On away trips, hotel mattresses must be used to make forts. Pirate names will be assigned prior to assaults on said forts.
-Everyone must grow a beard. Everyone.