Atletico Madrid v Chelsea, Champions League semifinal first leg
Hmm, the clock is moving, but nothing it happening. Sound the alarm and notify the football beauty police because Jose Mourinho is once again trying to fuel his unrelenting desire to win at all costs and break an opponent's will in their own stadium with a scoreless draw.
Maybe Chelsea decided not to fight UEFA on the decision to let Thibaut Courois play against them because they knew they weren't going to bother trying to score in the first leg anyway.
Surely Chelsea are wearing all black like Atletico manager Diego Simeone always does just to serve some sort of a mind game that hasn't been totally fleshed out yet.
Why did they give Petr Cech a blanket for his dislocated shoulder? "Since you can walk off on your own, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, so here...have a blanket."
Cech's replacement in goal, Mark Schwarzer, is now the oldest player to appear in the knockout stages of the Champions League (41 years old, beating former Man United keeper Edwin van der Sar). He made his international debut for Australia in 1993! That's the same year Nirvana released In Utero and they're in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame now.
The newer episodes of The Simpsons are judged far too harshly.
Jose Mourinho's ultimate goal in life is for referees to ask him before a match if he plans to park the bus and then call off the game and declare it a 0-0 draw if he says yes, just to spare everyone the drudgery of it. That's true power.
The way this is going, Fernando Torres and Diego Costa could switch kits and no one would notice.
Saying "Juanfran" as fast as you can in quick succession is a good way to keep yourself alert.
John Terry off with a foot injury, so naturally he needs a blanket too.
The last time Chelsea lost John Terry during a Champions League semifinal it worked out pretty great for them and spawned a meme that will never die no matter how tedious it gets.
If there were no boring matches, would we truly appreciate the most outstanding ones?
Between his wasted free kicks and his part in both Cech and Terry's injuries, the biggest threat to Chelsea right now is David Luiz. Is it possible defend against a member of your on team and the opposition?
Russell Brand explains the David Moyes situation wonderfully. "David Moyes finally has the thing happen to him that it looks like his face has been designed for." Even amidst Moyes overload, this is brilliant from start to finish...
What if for every 30 minutes a team goes without scoring in a match, they get -1 goals? That would ensure a sense of urgency and be totally ridiculous.
Jose Mourinho claims he wants to play a weakened team against Liverpool at the weekend in order to keep his players rested for the second leg if Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich will let him. So, you know, Liverpool shouldn't even bother showing up at Anfield and just start their title celebration early because Mourinho would never try to fool an opponent by making a purposefully misleading statement.
Oh wait, I guess that means this game is finally over. Where did all of these empty Easter candy wrappers come from?
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