Rafa Benitez’s notebook (Southampton v Chelsea)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Southampton today and the FA Cup quarterfinal replay against Manchester United on Monday. I have told the press that the players are prepared tactically, but psychologically it is impossible. I have also blamed my inability to endear myself to the fans on a teenager in the Czech Republic. So the preparations are complete.

Southampton have scored. Thanks, Facebook.

Starting John Terry proves to be a genius decision. Who knew? Only I did.

Oh f*** off, Rickie Lambert.

Southampton substituting Artur Boruc for Kelvin Davis. It seems my idea to drop an ear of corn down the back of his shirt in the tunnel at halftime so he would wrestle himself to the point of exhaustion worked to perfection.

To do: Order Real Madrid business cards, pick up new edition of Modern Goatee Magazine, invent a replacement for socks.

Victor Moses is not playing well at all. Better leave him in for the whole match.

Yossi Benayoun never does anything when I put him on late in matches. So just as when red hits seven consecutive times in roulette, this means he is due for a match winner. Better use our last substitution to put him on instead of Demba Ba and take Oscar off.

I should buy a jetpack.

Letting Fernando Torres wear a mask and telling him he is a superhero called Goalman is not working.

Final whistle. Did we win?!?! Bolo Zenden is saying no, we didn't.

Have fun watching the Champions League on television when you replace me next season, Mourinho.

Conclusions: My tactics were flawless (of course), but the players were obviously fatigued by the thought of playing again in two days against a team that had the advantage of kicking off two hours before we did. Once again, Alex Ferguson is helped by The FA.

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