Rafa Benitez’s notebook (Middlesbrough v Chelsea, FA Cup 5th round)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Had it out with the players last weekend. Now I just have to stick it to the fans and the board to complete the manager's hat trick. Fingers crossed.

Time to go rogue. Paulo Ferreira and Yossi Benayoun in the starting XI. Stage five berserker. You f*** with me and you f*** with the best, Frank Lampard and Ashley Cole! I hope the bench gives you hemorrhoids.

It would be so great if John Terry just disappeared in a puff of smoke like a Spinal Tap drummer.

First half -- nothing happening. I thought lower division clubs were only supposed to play with 10 men.

Note for the FA: Supporters traveling to away matches should be banned. They are always the most passionate and sing the most hurtful songs. It's as if they were paying money to watch something they want to enjoy.

Squad rotation > playing Juan Mata, Oscar and Eden Hazard together.

Should I try growing a full beard?

Just realized that Chelsea giving me a contract that said "interim" manager probably wasn't an elaborate joke and that signing it wasn't a way of letting them know that I got it.

Goal! Ramires' shot deflected off Fernando Torres' back as he ducked out of the way and it went in! That's a goal for Fernando! I fixed him! I really fixed him!

Rafa Real Madrid Benitez. Rafeal Madritez.

Another goal! We are winning and this is going so well! This is the perfect time criticize the fans and the board.

Advice for Torres: Just try to score with your back every time. It works for Chicharito.

Trying to blow up John Terry with my mind.

Points to make in post-match press conference: Chelsea fans caused bird flu, I should have been given the title "portly king of the realm" instead of "interim manager," eggrolls are delicious, everyone is awful.

It's a good thing I wore my confrontation goatee today.

Chelsea play Man United in the next round of the FA Cup, so now was definitely the best time to hit the eject button. You can't defeat me if I get sacked before the match, Sir Alex. Haha! Tactics!

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