"This has been my worst season because it's the first season in which I have not won an important title." That is what you said after losing Atletico Madrid in the Copa del Rey final, Jose. I am already having this stitched onto a pillow to put in my hotel room. It makes me very happy. Like Batman movies and funny hats.
While you were getting sent off and having Real Madrid lose to Atletico for the first time in 13 years, I was just sitting here in my beanbag chair with my new Europa League trophy. You only won the Spanish Super Cup with Real Madrid, but I wasn't even at Chelsea a full season and I still won a better trophy. I have named it Albert. Albert and I were discussing how you have said many rude things about me over the years and how you even got lying liar Marco Materazzi to lie lies about me. Lie. Liar. Lie lie. Anyways, maybe now you and Materazzi can cry together. Oh wait, you've already done that. Rafa burn!
But seriously, I must congratulate you, Jose, because you have done many things this season that I never thought was possible. You beat Barcelona, but you still lost the league by 10 points. You have also maintained a feud with Iker Casillas. Iker Casillas! Who has eyes like puppy dogs hugging unicorn kitten in a river of baby giggles. Here is a picture of him...
How does anyone have a feud with this man? Even Osama Bin Laden would have said, "Eh, that Iker Casillas is a good guy. I'd let him borrow my car." But Pepe...I get that.
But enough about you not being special anymore. Let's talk about why my goatee is like a picture frame for smiles. I beat Alex Ferguson and then he announced his retirement three days later, you won no major titles for the first time in your career, Chelsea fans were so mean to me that everyone now treats me with sweet, wonderful pity, Liverpool fans still like me more than Brendan Rodgers, Roman Abramovich cares so little for the Europa League that he's letting me keep the trophy as a drinking glass for any combination of buttermilk and Pepsi that I want, and you won no major titles for the first time in your career. Everything is coming up Rafa! Fact.
P.S. When you come back to Chelsea and you sit down in the manager's office, take a deep breath and smell the musky odor of Rafa wins. See you soon, Ordinary One.