Figuring out what gifts to get for your friends and family can be a dilemma this time of year. Thankfully, the Sports Investments division of the Qatar Investment Authority has put together a handy guide for every budget. You can thank them later.
Naked photos of Sepp Blatter ($37 billion) — We've already gotten just about all the use we can out of these, so it's time for someone else to benefit from the horrors they depict. Note: looking directly at the photos will cause your genitals to commit suicide.
Katana sword handmade by Zlatan Ibrahimovic ($17 billion) — The holy grail of deadly weapons, this sword is a one of a kind item forged from unique steel smelted deep within Zlatan's bowels. Zlatan sharpened the blade to a near impossible degree only by kicking it thousands of times without stopping to eat or kick something else. This sword can destroy entire armies with one swing and is considered more dangerous than a nuclear weapon. It also features the words "Pep Guardiola has donkey brains" etched on the handle. (Not available in Brazil.)
Sir Alex Ferguson ($1 billion worth of thoroughbred race horses) — Now that Sir Alex is retired, he's available to do a great many things if the price is right. Who wouldn't want to receive an elderly Scottish man this holiday season? Have him serve as manager of a Sunday league team or just feed him red wine and let him shout abuse at the recipient's enemies.
Naming rights to Lionel Messi's son ($260 million) — Yes, Lionel Messi's son already has a name, but for a very reasonable price that can be changed. Plus, naming rights to footballers' children is the next step in the business of football. We tried to secure these rights and change young Thiago's name to Qatar Airways Messi, but his father was afraid it would endanger his deal with Turkish Airways. So this opportunity is still available.
All of Fernando Torres' freckles inside a Faberge egg ($125 million) — This one of a kind item is sure to delight any Fernando Torres fan on your list. We would tell you how the freckles were extracted from the Spaniard, but we've already had too much bad press over human rights issues with footballers already. Suffice it say, it did involve a torturous marathon of tickling.
A velvet painting of David Beckham eating cereal out of wizard hat while riding a unicycle ($96 million) — This does not need an explanation.
A Zidane headbutt ($53 million) — The statue depicting Zidane's infamous headbutt on Marco Materazzi resides in Doha, but you can have the real thing for this low, low price. Once the money is transferred into his account, Zidane will headbutt the recipient of this gift square in the chest at a time of his choosing. And if the surprise of it makes them insult his relatives, he will do it again for no additional charge.
World Cup stadium builders (Free) — If for some odd reason you do not have more money than you could ever know what to do with, then this is the perfect gift for all of your loved ones. World Cup stadium builders are a cheap gift that keeps on giving and their basic human needs can easily be ignored (until the media starts sniffing around). They can do everything from building stadiums in cities that don't exist yet to household chores that your children are too busy driving their Tuesday Lamborghinis to do.
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