"I only tell people that I once worked in a beetroot factory because it's less embarrassing than the job I actually had that summer...as nude model in an art class for cats."
"When people come up to me and say 'you look familiar,' I tell them I'm Ryan Gosling and that I'm speaking with a different accent for a film role. I practice signing his name on long bus rides. I hope that we meet one day so I can mirror his movements and make him think he's gone mad."
"My dream car is a Honda Accord, but I know my teammates would laugh at me for not buying something more flash. I can't stand it."
"I don't like KFC...I love it."
"I often fantasize about playing Twister with Camilla Parker Bowles. I keep the game in my car just in case I bump into her one day."
"My goal celebration dance was actually invented by a five-year-old called Thomas. He told his parents I stole his dance, but no one believes him. Whenever he says it, they give him a timeout and tell him to stop lying. That's the main reason I keep doing it. He gets so angry. It's hilarious."
"My real name is Alfred T. Sexmachine and I was born to boogie."
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