Manager Zlatan Ibrahimovic gives a halftime team talk

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Though Zlatan Ibrahimovic has previously stated that he would not want to coach after retiring from football, he's changed his mind and now says "at the moment it's very likely to happen after my career." This is a look into the future, where Zlatan the gaffer is giving a halftime team talk to his squad after falling behind 3-0.

I am Zlatan. And you are disappointments. I command you to play better.

Since I took charge of this club and kicked the chairman in the head until he agreed to change its name to Zlatan United, I knew I had a challenge ahead of me. Because I am Zlatan and you all have stupid names that are not Zlatan. But now I see just how great of a challenge this is. None of you are as good as me.

Even though you are losing 3-0, I know you will come back and win for me since I am a great manager and that's what players do for great managers. They even do it for Pep Guardiola, who most definitely is not a great manager. He doesn't even have hair. I have lots of it.

Now I will give you our tactics for the second half: Win or you will get kicked in the head. To ensure maximum motivation, I will also tell you that you will probably get kicked in the head upon winning, as well. Buy my book.

I once saw Pep Guardiola eat food out of the trash. It was disgusting.

In conclusion, I am Zlatan. Zlatan United will Zlatan triumphantly. You will buy my book. You will get kicked in the head. Pep Guardiola eats trash cheese. And I am the best. Now go back out and win! Unless you're Pep Guardiola, then I hope you lose everything, including your keys.

Photo: AP

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