The Luis Suarez guide to getting a contract extension and massive pay increase

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Luis Suarez has signed a contract extension with Liverpool, keeping him at the club for as long as he feels like staying (the year 2018 was used as a placeholder in the paperwork) and, more importantly, sending his wages from £120,000 a week to £200,000 a week. With job security and fair pay a rarity these days, there are surely a lot of people who would like to know how Suarez achieved this enviable deal. Well, it's really very simple. Just follow these easy steps.

Demonstrate value — At its core, the Suarez System is very similar to the D.E.N.N.I.S. System from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." The first step is exactly the same. If you want a contract that pays you a of money, you'll have to show that you have exceptional talent and skill. It sounds difficult, sure, but it's an imperative part of the plan. If don't have some kind of superhuman ability that can benefit a large money-making enterprise, then you might as well stop here and go read The Hunger Games or something.

Instigate controversy — If you did Step 1 correctly then the more you do to attract the scorn of others, the more vigorously your target will defend you since they have now developed a reliance upon you. This will forge a deeper emotional investment on their part as they defend you from the cruel outsiders who don't understand you like they do. Hot-button issues you can use here: racial and nationalistic tensions, sensitivities to fair play, cannibalism.

Convey dissatisfaction — Now that the target is dependent on your value and invested in you emotionally, it's time to use that to your advantage. Threatening to leave them and inviting potential suitors to take you away will put a good scare into the target. They need your production and they've risked their own reputation to support you through Step 2, so they now believe that they have no choice but to cling to you and hope you love them as much as they now love you.

Kick the ball into the net (a lot) — This is the clincher. Whatever the "goals" of your field are, you need to score them in absolutely ridiculous amounts. That doesn't mean, like, 5-10 goals. This means more goals than half the teams (competitors) in the league (industry) are able to score even though they've played five more games than you have (OK, so the analogy kind of falls apart there). Once you have shown that you're not just valuable, but capable of taking your target all the way to the top and justifying their faith in you, they will give you just about anything you want. And they will be downright giddy that you let them do it.

So that's it. That's the highly successful Luis Suarez System. Make use of it at your own risk.

- - - - - - -

Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

What to Read Next