Louis van Gaal's Hug-O-Meter: How Man United players can win the affection of their new manager

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Louis van Gaal is settling in at Manchester United as he leads the club's preseason tour of the United States. During one of his first training sessions, he gave some animated corner kick instructions to Wayne Rooney and when Rooney's corner ended up in the back of the net, Van Gaal congratulated him with a big hug.

Though Van Gaal has a deserved reputation for being a hot head with a short fuse, he's shown that he does have a soft side, as well. So what do Manchester United players need to do to win his shows of affection? Here's the breakdown...

-Showing up early for training gets a stern nod of approval.

-Telling a particularly good David Moyes joke gets a high five.

-Saying that he makes Sir Alex Ferguson seem like he was the leader of a hippie drum circle gets a pat on the back.

-Carrying out his instructions perfectly gets a hug.

-Ignoring his instructions gets a hug that makes it impossible to breathe as he whispers the atrocities he will unleash upon you once you lose consciousness.

-Scoring an exceptional goal gets his patented Super High Five.


-Winning a trophy gets synchronized pelvic thrusts.

-Missing a crucial penalty gets a comforting hand on the back of the neck that slowly becomes just tight enough to menacingly imply that if it happens again, he will use your spinal cord as a belt.

-Only winning the Capital One Cup gets a picture of his colon while you're eating dinner.

-Winning the treble gets a slow dance to Rod Stewart's greatest hits.

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!