Lionel Messi suffers hamstring injury against PSG, world depleted of joy

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

After scoring the opening away goal in Barcelona's 2-2 Champions League quarterfinal first leg draw against PSG, Lionel Messi was unable to play in the second half of the match due to a hamstring injury. The prospect of the record four-time Ballon d'Or winner and holder of every hyper-specific scoring record statisticians have so far been able to discover being out of action for any length of time has prompted FIFA to consider canceling football at all levels until the game's beloved shining beacon can grace the pitch once again. Governments around the world are also advising citizens to stockpile YouTube clips of Messi's skills until further notice.

Barcelona's official website reports that Messi will undergo further tests on his right hamstring on Wednesday to determine whether an international state of emergency should be declared.

Cristiano Ronaldo, meanwhile, would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone with a vote for this year's Ballon d'Or that his hamstrings are in perfect working order...

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