Dear President Blatter,
I read that you have gotten into some trouble with Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid and the Portuguese federation for saying that you liked me more than him. This upset me very much. I also saw that you apologized for your comments, but I feel that I am the one who should apologize to you for causing this trouble in the first place.
I'm sorry for being so nice and for doing things that you and many other people like so much. For too long now, comparisons between Cristiano and I have produced negativity for many people around the world and I realize that if I wasn't the way that I am, this wouldn't happen and others wouldn't get hurt by it. I tried making children in the United States cry and not paying my taxes in Spain. I even scored just 60 goals in 50 matches last season instead of 73 in 60 matches like the season before. But people still love me and insult other footballers like Cristiano for not being exactly like me.
You said that Ronaldo has "more expenses for the hairdresser" than I do, but that's only because I have a very serious gel allergy that prevents me from using fancy hair products. If it wasn't for the threat of a very painful death, I would have enough grease in my hair to start a kitchen fire at a McDonald's. I would also love to boldly wear clothing that angers people by being too tiny for my body the way Cristiano does, but I already wear clothes originally made for dolls and there simply isn't anything smaller. I know this is adorable, but it's also frustrating to the point where I spend two to three minutes a day not smiling and laughing.
I am extremely disappointed in myself for causing these problems to you, Cristiano, Real Madrid and Portugal. I'm not sure what I can do to make it up to all of you, but I will promise to try harder to be unlikable so these awful situations can be avoided in the future. I will tell my friends that I will pick them up from the airport and then never show up. I will write negative internet reviews for restaurants that I actually enjoyed. I will approach random people in the streets and blurt out spoilers to popular films and television shows. Whatever it takes to make Pele and Maradona argue about everything except me.
With a bit of luck, there will soon be a few mothers and fathers who see me as the kind of son that they wouldn't want to have because maybe they really wanted a painter or a sewage treatment specialist or even no kids at all. Then the world will never have to suffer these hurtful issues again. I'm going to make something charmingly offensive out of Lego pieces now.
Hugs and regrettably kind regards,
Lionel A. Messi