Landon Donovan's World Cup Adventure of Epic Broportions

Carter Daly

Landon Donovan has returned to the States after the United States' disappointing round of 16 loss to Ghana in extra time. With his popularity at an all-time high, he's embarked on a publicity tour in New York City before finally returning to California. The following is Landon's* final correspondence with his friends and family back home.

What's really good bromigos?

You already know the deal. I don't even have to spit it. Although I'm not done repping the USA, and probably never will be, we need to come to terms with the fact that the World Cup is brover. We crashed out to Ghana 2-1 in extra time. Rough-sauce, broskis.

That game was an epic burnout. We probably should be out there still bleeding for the red, white and blue against the Uruguayans in the next round. I tried to put America on my back and kill it for liberty and freedom and hamburgers, but one broham can only dangle so much sickness against a quality opponent. Still had to get my g-note, though, for good measure. Stepped up to the pen-spot, as per usual, made one with the turfski, blacked out and ripped it side-foot off the right ding-ding to pure twine, just because I can. Even with those herbroics, we just couldn't get it done in the end. Adios, Brohannesburg, it was real chill to chillax with you for a hot minute. So legit.

Right now I'm pretty much just killing it in NYC after being crowned America's first soccer legend. Sorry for not being sorry, but it's straight up ill. I hit up the Daily Show, Letterman, and I even got to chay out really hard with my boy Regis and that fine cougar chickita Kelly on their dope nasty morning show. What up, stay-at-home moms of Ameribrah? That's me, L-Deezy, on your TV screen. You make that breakfast for your kids. I've been spending my down time just doing it real big in my penthouse suit at Trump Towers. Bought out the mini bar because that's how I do it, assorted almonds anybody? That's what I thought, son. Even got to ring the ding at the stock exchange for all my educated brosefs on Wall Street. Ridic swag with those three piece suits, dawgs.

Time to get some sleepies then hit up a rum and stoked enduced bender on my private jet back to the golden coast. It's chaycation time, dudebros. Get the shred boards ready for the summer swell and put the Cabrona on ice. Don't worry Bruce Arena, I got Becksauce on speed dial for a ride to the Home Debro Center so we can add another MLS Cup to my ever-growing list of achievements.

Peace out. One love.

*For those who are new and couldn't tell: Landon Donovan did not actually write this.

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