Landon Donovan's Retirement Adventure of Epic Broportions


Landon Donovan recently announced that he will retire at the end of this season and to mark the occasion, DT is proud to present one final correspondence from the U.S. and MLS's all-time leading scorer.

This is probably gonna blow chunks since I haven’t written in a while. Sorry I’ve been too busy scoring game winners against Bayern Munich and providing insightful commentary throughout the World Cup on ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN NEWS, and ESPN FC.

You might ask – “LD, Lord Steezus Christ, King Broseidon, why did you not put Jurgen Klinsmann and his dingus Bill Hamid wannabe son on blast after you were so wrongfully bromitted from the USMNT World Cup roster?” My answer for that is  – “cake.”

While Brozy Altidore was ripping hammies (sorry bro) and Deuce ex Machina was scoring off his breast plate (respect), I was straight raking it in across the ESPN family of networks, providing my now patented, mild mannered analysis of my former teammates most classic World Cup exit to date. In addition to that, I broke the MLS career goal scoring record (chill of me) and made Pep Guardiola basically cry at the All-Star Game in PDX (also chill of me). There is no way you can tell me that all of that stuff combined isn’t better than losing to a nation as soft as Belgium.

There is nothing cool about getting knocked out in the round of 16 of the World Cup. I’ve lead America to the quarters before (swag), and it’s pretty much the apex of getting laid at the World Cup. In the group stage you have to work really hard to advance and practice all the time – which is tacos. And if you get knocked out in the first round you’re kind of a punk, which is also tacos. But once you enter the rounds that have fancy names for themselves, like “quarterfinals,” every 1 in the host nation immediately wants to get some. And it’s awesome.

Anyway, you probably heard that I have decided to retire from the game of soccer – because I am a legend, and literally just running around all the time every day is just not that chill to me anymore. A list of things I am looking forward to in my retirement:

Being chiller overall
Relaxing more
Not playing soccer
Monthly trips to Cambrodia
Rocking very loose fitting sweatpants
Rocking very tight shirts with Taylor Twellman
All the Mexican brewskis
Bonfires with Alexi Lalas
ESPN in general

My last act will undoubtedly be to bring the MLS Cup back where she belongs – aka The Arena Formerly Known as the Home DeBro Center For All Things Dope in Carson, California. This will go down in world soccer history as one of the illest final acts of all time. The statue they build of me will feature my patented sick hang-time fist pump in an LA Gals jersey, with lettuce more reminiscent of my younger San Brose days. Revisionist history is sweet. Don’t forget who taught you.

Peace out. One love.

Previously in Landon Donovan's English Adventure of Epic Broportions