Landon Donovan’s English Adventure of Epic Broportions

Though Everton beat Tamworth in the FA Cup at the weekend, Wednesday's match against Spurs resulted in a second straight Premier League loss for the club since Landon Donovan rejoined on a second short-term loan. The club did buy Darron Gibson from Manchester United -- the first player Everton have purchased in nearly two and a half years, though. The following is Landon Donovan's latest correspondence with his friends and family back home.

What's lush?

Kobe crushing it for the Lakeshow this year. Sorry about the divorce bro, my Galaxy contract is pretty fat though so I'll take you out to In 'n' Out when I get back.

What's not lush? Benoit Assou Ricotta. Kid thinks he is such a boss, but like anyone with the first name Benoit that I know, he probably plays the piano. I was just getting swazy out on the wing when he decides to pull the Vlade Divac on me. I saw the ball dangling out there like a piece of meat like they say in that ill new MLS on NBC commercial and I flew in for it like a beast, only thing is my reaction time was actually too fast for where I knew the ball was going to go so I actually slightly missed it.

Anyway, I barely touched princess left back but right after I did I think the sniper on the roof got him. And then he non-broceeded to roll around on the deckski like my buddy Chay did after that zebra bit his ankle. Thanks to that Brahscar (a fictional competition for poser jabronis) nominated performance from Benoit I picked up a yellow. #Swag. He thought his deep rip to close out the game was so legit, but what he didn't know until I told him is that I ripped one three times as long with Todd Dunivant in FIFA the night before. We ended up losing pretty badly, but Brad Friedel still has a broni English accent.

Besides everyone other than me just not playing well at all on the whole, everything is still pretty dope. Caught the MLS draft today, what a joke. Felt sorry for my broski Adrian Healey for having to sit through that whole spectacle with Lalas and Twellman. Alexi actually has some dank red lettuce upstairs but everyone knows Twellman always used to rock his jerseys way too young. Leave some room for the paintball guns bro.

We just got a new player, Darren Gibson. First dude that Everton has bought in like 8 years. They would have bought me a while ago but my price tag is too filthy. I think being here for two out of the past three winters puts me in the best position to show this newb the ropes. He's coming from Man U where I heard Al Ferguson, who goes ham on red wine on the reg, has a no rum and stoke policy. Should be a good change of pace for the guy. I'm gonna show him a lot of cool ish like that iPhone game Temple Run and that show Homeland on Showtime. I'll probably organize some type of brodeo to welcome him to town that may or may not end up with us egging Squeezy Gerrard's car. Should be classic.

Just want to close with a shout out to my bro Bromar Gonzalas who shredded his acl in the least lush country ever that you know as Germany. Get well soon, dawg.

Peace out. One Love.

Previously in Landon Donovan's English Adventure of Epic Broportions.