Everton's 2-1 win over Fulham last week not only propelled the club into the fifth round of the FA Cup, but it also provided the first head-to-head showdown between U.S. national teammates Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey. The following is Landon's latest correspondence with his friends and family back home, where he reflects on that match.
Sup bilbro bagginses.
Been a minute since I last checked in. Round 2 in Everbronia actually hasn't been that legit up to this point. I'm not going to get all soft serve froyo on you but it definitely is not as lush as it could be. I've been doing my part but if it's possible these scrub-shows have been performing even worse ever since I came back on the scene. I try and tell them all the time that rolling with me means the eyes of America are transfixed on you like if you were a Kardashian or a wildebeest hunting down a rhino or something like that, and that you just gotta figure it out and simultaneously manage to elevate your general steeze to a much higher level. Anyway, clearly this advice is beginning to take hold after my consistently dank service from the wing finally started making it rain in the FA Cup this weekend.
You know what it is. Battle of the two biggest bromosapiens in the entire Premiership -- LD vs. CD -- aka the litmus test of lushness, aka the war of word up, aka the dankness regatta. The Deuce-ex-Machina has been putting on for his city all year so I gotta show mad love. He's been going absolutely ful-HAM over here dropping hat-tricks and mad glancing headers on kids for the better part of the year. But let's remember that I am L-Deezy, Mr. Go Go USA, and that my bag of dangles brautomatically renders my receding hairline to be considered distinguishing and not embarrassing. It was a hard fought game but I stepped up and did it, controlled most of the game and dished out two sweet helpers, one with the left one with the right. Both perfect dome-seekers that could only end up in the back of the twine castle. Haven't seen Hoodison Park bounce like that after Fellaini's winner in awhile. Toffees for life son.
Peace out. One love.
Previously in Landon Donovan's English Adventure of Epic Broportions.