Amidst Liverpool's worst run he can remember, manager Kenny Dalglish has revealed that he has to file a report to the club's ownership group on his assessment of how the season is going. This is his report...
Dear Mr. Henry (and other yanks),
How is everything in America? Things are going great here. Very great. Even better than Celine Dion performing the Anfield Rap. Since my last report after we won the Carling Cup -- which, again, is like the World Cup but far more important because it's named after a beer company -- our fortunes have actually improved a great deal! "But how can you improve on perfection?" you're probably asking yourself while hopefully not reading anything about the club. Well I didn't think it was possible for us to play like we have been, either. I really, really didn't.
I'll just give you the broad strokes since I realize you're too busy to actually pay close attention as you read this. We now lead Premier League powerhouse Wolverhampton by an astonishing 20 points in the table and we won the latest Merseyside derby 3-0. We also advanced to the FA Cup semifinals, where we will again face Everton (who are still behind us in draws). Since then we have had three other matches. Wow!
In our last match, Pepe Reina headbutted a Newcastle player. This is an impressive maneuver that only the very best footballers -- like Zidane in the 2006 World Cup (i.e. the poor man's Carling Cup) -- can pull off. As for the other members of our squad, Andy Carroll is showing great improvement by finding his way back to the dressing room all by himself, Papiss Cisse is scoring goals by the bucketloads (he doesn't play for us, but hey -- good for him) and Stewart Downing still hasn't thrown a bag of puppies into the river all season. Excellent restraint on that lad.
On a personal note, my warm and gentle way with the press seems to be working since they've been talking an awful lot about my legacy lately. They'll probably throw me a party at the end of the season. I'd invite you to attend, but I'm sure it will be a surprise party, so I'll just tell you how great it was afterwards. Expect a story about them bringing me a delicious cake that definitely isn't filled with baby laxatives.
That's about it. Again, everything is peaches and cream. Don't bother reading anything about the club. And if someone called Rafa Benitez shows up at your house in the middle of the night telling you to sack me, just call the police and they'll return him to his cell.
His Royal Highness King Kenny Dalglish